day seventeen...

GRATITUDE - Day #17

i woke up luxuriously late this morning, which rarely happens in general, and has not happened since moving to the new house. the window in our bedroom face the south east, which means that our room is lovely and bright from the moment the sun peeks over the horizon.

i don't mind this. in fact, i quite like it. however, yesterday we purchased heavy curtains so that on the days when my husband has just come off night shift... he'll be able to sleep.

they work like a charm, let me tell you.

between the darkness of the room... and discovering that my husband has had stashed away for the past two years a lovely down duvet, which i promptly purchased a cover for and now have floating over my bed light as a dream... i had a wonderfully warm, dark and restful sleep.

for which i am deeply grateful.

day sixteen...

GRATITUDE - Day #16

okay, i'm starting early this morning... because i'm already feeling enormously appreciative.

we decided, way back when we first moved to Virginia, not to get a home phone and to simply use our cell phones. this meant careful scheduling with family and friends over when was a good time to call, that wouldn't eat up our limited minutes... this meant being frugal with chat time when making calls to family and friends in Canada... although i also made good use of internet chats and e-mails and such, to be honest, it left me feeling a little isolated at times.

so, with the move we decided it was time to have a home phone installed, with an unlimited plan for calling within Canada and the US. it's been four days, and i cannot begin to tell you what a difference it has already made for me. i've had long talks with my family almost every day... and not just late in the evening as we had been for the last year and a half.

and the reason i'm writing about this now? my grandmother just called, wanting to hear all about the new house... and we were able to talk for as long as we wanted, without me feeling anxious about using up my precious cell phone minutes.

i feel lighter, happier, connected in a way that i haven't in a quite a while... and i am so very grateful.

Day fifteen..

GRATITUDE - Day #15

just a brief note this evening...

highlights of the day: chili lime dark chocolate, birds in my new bird feeder, french movies, red paint, cheese toast and hot chicken soup

MIA....

okay, so... we thought we had made arrangements to have internet hooked up at the new house on the same day that we arrived. however, due to strange and complicated winds and star alignments.... and the fact that apparently that particular company does not want our business, and truth be told we don't want to give them our business in the end.... we have been without internet since mid-December.

this has made it difficult to continue posting my gratitude on a daily basis.

which is not to say that i have been ungrateful.

i have been both grateful and somewhat agitated by our enforced period of "unplugging"....

i have been enormously grateful for the simple "we live in a house a little off the beaten track" sounds.... melting of snow in the eaves, washing machine doing it's thing in the back ground as i do my thing elsewhere (no more laundromats!!!), birds singing, no sirens, very little traffic...

i have been grateful to have a beautiful snowfall to make it feel like a real Christmas.... and also grateful that the former owner of our new house left behind a couple of snow shovels.

i have been grateful for my husband's patience and dogged get-to-it-ness regarding the unpacking of boxes... i did the bulk of the unpacking while he was at work, but those last boxes of "misc" i just could not bring myself to open, let alone put away.... and he's kept at it. we're almost all done... just a few more adjustments, moving this to there and putting that here... and it will be home.

i have been grateful for friends who invited me out to spend Christmas day with them, knowing that my husband had to work all day....

i have been grateful for the friendliness of all the new neighbours that we've met. we lived for two years in the last place, and knew no one there. the neighbours weren't very neighbourly.... here, people stop by to introduce themselves if we're outside.

i have been grateful for reconnecting with old friends...

i have been grateful for phone calls from my brother who never calls, and my grandad who rarely does....

i have been grateful....

day thirteen...

GRATITUDE - Day #13

oh boy... am i ever grateful that our move is largely being done for us (now that i unpacked all my boxes so the movers could repack them).

the packers came today... three of them, not particularly big, armed with nothing more than a stack of boxes, bags of paper and rolls of tape.... and they packed our entire 2 bedroom apartment (plus storage room full of tools and crap) in less than 3 hours.

unbelievable.

anything that was not nailed down got packed in the blink of an eye. i was so busy telling the guy not to pack the clothes my husband needs to wear to work tomorrow that i missed the woman in the kitchen packing my toaster and kettle. thought we might need them for breakfast tomorrow... oh well, i'll hold the bread on a fork over the gas stove burner for a while... kind of like making toast over a campfire.

i don't know how much it costs to have other people move you... because i'm not actually paying for it, truth be told... but whatever it is, it's totally worth it.

they did it all but the refrigerator... and tomorrow, when the movers come... they'll load it all like magical moving fairies, flitting from room to room, waving their magic wands and poof... the piano that we had to use the winch on my husband's truck to load into the moving van two years ago will suddenly and effortlessly be located in their moving truck. those boxes of books... that heavy table...

i won't even break a sweat.

and i am SO GRATEFUL FOR THAT!!!!

(not the no sweating, necessarily... but about all of it.)

day twelve...

GRATITUDE - Day #12

i have no idea what day it is any more!! i think we're in Tuesday now, which means that once again... i did not post my gratitude yesterday. i'm pretty bad at the posting part, but getting better at the gratitude... which is the important bit anyway, right?

i spent a good portion of the afternoon yesterday gathering together all of the things that we are not taking with us when we move... things that we have either not used in the two years in this apartment, or things that we have used... but that the new house already comes with.

i lugged a television that weighs almost as much as me (possibly a slight exaggeration), a toaster oven, a microwave that i had just finished heating my lunch up in (and carefully wiped out, of course), a paper shredder, some cushions, some clothes, some mismatched dishes.... and dropped them off at the Salvation Army.

i hope they make someone else's life easier...

i'm grateful for the abundance we have in our lives.

day eleven...

GRATITUDE - Day #11

it was a quiet kind of day today... starting with a quiet rainy morning with coffee and couch and staring out into the rain.

followed by a little packing and taking of stuff over to the new house. we don't officially move until Wednesday, but there are things the movers won't take... and the seller of the house, who is now the renter of the house, had offered to empty one room that we can start moving our things into... so it's starting to feel a little more real.

and now, a quiet evening at home with my sweetheart... doing some stuff for Team In Training, cooking warm and cozy meals, and watching movies that i've seen countless times...

nothing remarkable in this day... but it's been a good one.

day ten...

GRATITUDE - Day #10

my husband had just come off night shift yesterday morning, and it always takes a couple nights for him to get back onto a "normal" sleep schedule. so he fell asleep at about 8pm last night, and then woke me up at 3am when he couldn't sleep and decided to watch a movie. beside me, in bed... with the light on.

don't ask.

needless to say, i was less than thrilled when my alarm went off at 6am to get me up for my early morning Team In Training run. my eyes did not want to open.

the funny thing is though, no matter how gnarly i might feel upon waking after a sleepless night, if he's in good humour i can't help but get to laughing within minutes.

this may be "too much information"... but, it's been a couple days since i shaved under my arms. so, i was stretching as part of my waking up process when he looked over and said out of the blue "gadzooks! she's got a couple hedgehogs in a headlock!"

i just about fell out of bed laughing.

he was crying he was laughing so hard.

and just like that, the tone for the day was set...

i think you know what i'm grateful for in this little story :)

ps... no hedgehogs were harmed during the telling of this story

day nine... on time

GRATITUDE - Day #9

do you ever put something off for so long that by the time you get around to doing it you feel foolish for putting it off and so rather than feel foolish you just don't think about it for a while... and then when you'd really like to get to it, you're embarrassed that you've let so much time pass???

yeah, that happens to me too.

so, the thing i was putting off was visiting a friend. how ridiculous is that? i wanted to see her. i knew she would be glad to see me.... but late in the summer and early in the fall i was feeling kind of blue, and i didn't feel like i had the energy to get off the couch, never mind go visit someone who might then feel like she needed to cheer me up, and then i'd feel guilty about making her feel like she had to do something to help... and so i never called.

and then i wanted to call, but i'd put it off for two months... and how do you call someone after two months? what do you say... "i'm sorry, i wanted to call you, but i just couldn't make myself do it..."?? that doesn't make people feel good. so, i put it off some more.

here we are, now five months since i last saw her.... and i finally decided to just get over myself and go see her this afternoon. so, i drove to her house, knocked on the door, she greeted me with a big smile and a hug, told me she was glad to see me....

so i was straight with her... i told her i had wanted to call or drop by but i felt embarrassed for not having done so sooner... and she said "i meant to call you, but then i was embarrassed for waiting so long..."

and there we were... both of us wanting to see the other, both of us feeling badly for not having made the effort sooner, both of us not wanting to feel foolish... and both of us missing out! what a waste of time!!!

we laughed and said "well, i'm glad we got that over with".... and had a lovely two hour visit.

and so, today i am grateful that i just got over myself and went to see her. grateful for her friendship and understanding, and looking forward to our renewed friendship.

the end.

day eight.. a day late

GRATITUDE: Day #8

oh boo... i did it. i wanted so badly to be on top of the daily posting of gratefulness... and then only a week in, i botched it.

but i'm here now... and today, you shall have two postings. a morning posting and an evening posting... aren't you happy to hear that? grateful, even??

yesterday was something of a strange day. a gentleman from the moving company came to look over our stuff, so they'll have a sense of how much work lies ahead of them next week... how many hours to pack, how big a truck to bring, etc...

he arrived about half an hour after my husband, who had just come off a 12 hour night shift, had gone to bed for the day. i mentioned this to him, and asked him to start in the bedroom so that my husband could get up briefly before falling asleep, and then go back to bed while the guy looked over the rest of the apartment.

now, you may already know that my husband drives a bright yellow land rover. it was parked right in front of the house. i just happened to be wearing a t-shirt, given to me by my husband's mechanic... advertising his shop. not because i'm land rover crazy... but because i have packed most of my clothes and left this one out to clean the house in...

so, the minute my husband groggily crawls out of bed, the guy starts talking truck.... loudly, with great enthusiasm and elaborate detail.... the elements of his home work shop, the myriad to vehicles he's purchased and chopped up and put together, stories of off-roading...

my poor husband can barely keep his eyes open... but nods in the appropriate places in the stories for about an hour before he excuses himself to go to bed.

we move into another room where the guy continues to regale me with stories, at high volume, for another hour.

nice guy... kind of annoying. made me late with all his story telling....

then, i went to visit a friend who struggles with depression. her husband is away until just before Christmas, and she has two kids... so i thought i'd take advantage of the free afternoon and hang out with her for a couple of hours.

somehow i got maneuvered into talking with her kids about sex. i don't quite know how that happened. we were talking about how i run marathons to raise money for people with blood cancers, and how her youngest (a girl aged 9) grows her hair long and then donates it every couple of years to makes wigs for kids who have lost their hair due to cancer treatments. from there the conversation went to organ donation, to donating blood, to screening blood for diseases, to what is AIDS, at which point the mom said "megan can explain that to you".... which is true, i can... that was my field of work for many years... but not normally with 9 year old girls... (and i don't know if they've had the birds and bees talk with the 12 year old boy yet! never mind the 9 year old, although i now assume they have... )

so we're talking about how HIV works inside the body, and how there are lots of medicines now to help people so they don't die from AIDS the way they used to years ago when nobody knew what AIDS was... which the mom later contradicted when we started having the "safe sex" part of the conversation... when she said, if you have sex and don't protect yourself you could get HIV and then you'll die... oof! scary stuff at any age, but i'm there thinking "is it really appropriate at age 9??"

and then, it turns out that maybe it is....

because while we're having the big talk about needing to be grown up enough to understand the consequences of your decision before you start to have sex, and about how you need to know that you don't have to do it just because your friends or your classmates tell you that they are doing it, or tell you that you're weird if you're not doing it, or tell you that you should be doing it.... the little girl says something along the lines of "like when the kids are playing truth or dare at school?"

she's 9!!!!!!

when i was 9 truth or dare involved dares like walking across the railway bridge (with the scary huge gaps between the supporting beams and you can see the water flowing underneath, and you know your dad's gonna kill you if he finds out you did it)... or going into the creepy old tumbled down you-know-it's-haunted-house by yourself.

when i was 9, having a crush on someone meant you threw snowballs in their face, or put spruce sap in their hair, or made them an extra special valentine card so they would know you liked them without you having to say it.... it did not involve "i dare you to touch his...." or, "i dare you to show me your..."

and so... yesterday's moment of gratitude had three parts.

one, i'm enormously grateful for growing up where and how i did, where i was able to remain a child while i was a child.

two, i'm grateful for having had this eye opening experience now, while i'm not yet a parent... because now i know what my children will be experiencing as they grow up. i can't assume that their lives will be as innocent and safe as mine was. and, i've already had the awkward sex talk with someone else's kids.... so hopefully it won't be too difficult to figure out how to have it with mine.

and three, i am grateful that i am aware enough to know when people don't want to hear my stories, either ever... or just not at that very moment...

day seven...

GRATITUDE - Day #7

it's late and i'm really sleepy, but it's still almost today and not tomorrow.... and i wanted to post before i close my eyes.

it was a good day today... met up with a friend to do some cooking... stopped by the garden center, and even though the person i wanted most to see wasn't there, it was really nice to talk to a couple of my former colleagues... bought gifts to send my nephews, hopefully in time for Christmas, legos and dinosaurs for the oldest, bouncy unbreakable snow globes and a robot for the youngest.... i like how they're each into their own thing at the moment.

posted a stack of Christmas cards, so this year, they might actually arrive before Christmas, rather than getting written two days before and arrive in January. the envelopes looked so pretty with our new address on the upper left hand corner :)

i'm grateful for being busy.

good night.

day six...

GRATITUDE - Day #6

many things to be grateful for today....

~ i am grateful that my husband has a good job and is able to support us in relative comfort while i continue to look for a job

~ i am grateful that our realtor is an absolute dragon when it comes to protecting our interests, and has made sure that the things that needed to be done have been done

~ i am grateful the purchase of our home has finally gone through, even though we can't move into the place until late next week.... we will be in our new home in time for Christmas, even if we won't be totally unpacked.

day five...

GRATITUDE - Day #5

i baked more bread today, after reading my friend Marni's blog about channeling her Baba in order to make the perfect apple pie. my Nan was a wonderful cook, and an amazing baker. although i had opportunities to learn from her during our infrequent visits, i was never really that motivated to learn. i don't know why. resisting the stereotype about all the things girls are supposed to know, i suppose.

she taught me to crochet at one point, although i don't remember exactly how to do it now... but i think i could pick it up again with a quick refresher from someone who does know what they're doing. i have 7/8th of a crocheted hat that i started maybe six years ago (with Nan's help), and found when i was packing to move here last year. i brought it with me thinking i might pick it up again. and i have. several times. i just don't quite know what to do with it when it's in my hands.

Nan tried to teach me to sew at one point too, when i was much younger. that didn't stick either.... and now i wish that it had.

anyway... back to baking bread.

even though my bread is nothing like the master pieces my Nan used to make, it is still pretty tasty. and it smells great.

and i am grateful, as i walk about the house inhaling deeply, that baking and knitting and Abba and Oklahoma (the musical) and gardening all remind me of my grandmother.

day four...

GRATITUDE - Day #4

today i am grateful for:

~ blue skies & sunshine

~ beautiful chinese movies

~ fuzzy blankets & hot tea

~ life lines that keep me connected; taking the form of e-mails, post cards & phone calls...

day three..

GRATITUDE - Day #3

okay, so yesterday kind of got away from me because it was really busy....

here is what i was grateful for yesterday:

~ first snowfall of the year!!! big fat fluffy flakes that clung to the branches and turned our area into a winter wonderland.

~ great turn out for Team In Training Spring Season Kick-Off breakfast... and it looks like my group is going to be a fun bunch of people

~ meeting some really lovely people at my sweetheart's staff Christmas party... not only because they are nice people, but because they are big time mountain bikers and snowboarders and active people who are looking for new people to get out there with them :) maybe we have some new friends?? and i'm always grateful for friends.

~ a safe return home on the terribly icy accident-strewn roads last night. some of those accidents involved people who will now never make it home, and i'm so grateful we weren't among them.

day two..

GRATITUDE - Day #2

~ this morning i am grateful for the plumbers who came to fix the leaky pipes in my dining room ceiling... and for the call from the office saying that the dry wall guy will come this afternoon to patch the large hole.

he did patch it yesterday... but prematurely, it seems, since the plumbers had not yet fixed the leak.

~ i am grateful for peanut butter and banana sandwiches. hadn't had one in a long time, and i'm really glad i had one for breakfast this morning. it was delicious.

~ i am grateful for postcards arriving in the mail

gratitude

so, i've been all caught up in the goings on of my own life, and have not made time to keep up with friends. while i'm waiting on the plumbers who are supposed to be fixing the pipes in my ceiling so that the dry waller can come and plug the hole... i thought i would do a little blog reading. and in doing so, i caught up with my friend Char.

she just recently completed a "month of gratitude" project on her blog, and i'm taking inspiration from it. given that i've been working really hard over the last few days at not dwelling on the things that make me feel angry and frustrated... taking time to find things i am truly grateful for at the moment seems like a good idea.

this shall be the inaugural blog in my 30 days of gratitude series. buckle your seat belts, people!

~ ~ ~

GRATITUDE - Day 1

at this very moment i can think of an abundance of things for which i am grateful. and i wonder if i should just blurt them all out right now, or should i hoard them so that i don't run out before my 30 days are up? i'm in favour of blurting, to be honest... in part because i'm like that. and in part because i think the "exercise" part of this exercise in gratitude may be in the rooting through the goings on of the day, and finding something to be grateful for...

today, i am grateful about the following things:

~ the sun is shining, the sky is bright blue, and it feels like spring... even though winter has not yet arrived.

~ a few of my dearest friends have been checking in recently, propping me up with love and laughter just when i really needed it. thanks girls.

~ my husband's determination to remain positive and optimistic about this journey into home-ownership. when my head was about to blow off, he reminded me that in the end it just means that every possible thing that could go wrong already has and is being mitigated, and once

it's all over we'll be moving into a house that has NOTHING wrong with it.

~ finding treasures in unexpected places... we went to have a print framed, and the owner of the framing shop showed us some prints that had just landed in her dumpster. literally... the owner of the prints had lost her house, and some of her church members were helping her to clear out her "old junk" and asked if they could dump some stuff in the dumpster belonging to the framing shop. the owner of the framing shop said sure... and then almost had heart failure when she realised that what they were dumping was art. so she rescued all the prints she could find, contacted the owner and offered to sell them for her. now we've got a very fair price for some really funky pieces that are going to look great in our new home... she's made a small profit for her efforts, and the previous owner will also get some much needed income. (the photo doesn't really do the image justice... and i didn't get a picture of my absolute favourite piece... i'll show you that one later)

~ i have a lovely new bar of Vosges Red Fire dark chocolate sitting on the coffee table, just waiting to be broken into...

countdown crazies... update

still losing it.

very grumpy.

trying not to be.

not closing on the 4th as planned.

possibly not even by the 8th, which is when we will have to renegotiate rates with the bank because our loan offer will expire.

he asked to postpone to the 28th.

lease on current apartment expires on 20th.

movers are scheduled at our end for the 15th.

mover on his end not yet scheduled.

he's currently frantically trying to get planning permission from the State for structures that he added to the house years ago... like the pool and deck, which the health department now says may have to be removed as they may be encroaching on the septic field.

it's all turning into what my husband would call a "shit-sandwich"

coolblueoceans... coolblueoceans...cool blue oceans... cool blue oceans, etc.

aside from the fact that the actual purchasing of new home and moving into new home is not going exactly as planned... i am trying to hold onto the fact that i'm very excited to live in this house. and one way or another, at some point in this month... we will be living in it.

i got the countdown crazies...

so, now that we're down to just a few days before we sign our lives away for a house... i find myself on a somewhat unexpected rollercoaster... vacillating between elation and panic, clapping hands and giggling giddily or overcome with cold sweats and overwhelming feelings of nausea.

on the up side, there's owning our own home. that's got to be a good thing, right? it's ours, we can do anything we want with it. not to mention anything we want in it... for example, the husband has grand visions of playing video games, surround sound cranked til the windows vibrate (which our current townhouse neighbours seriously frown upon).

on the down side, there's owning our own home. anything that goes wrong with it, we are responsible for... there's not calling the maintenance guy and then grousing about it for hours or days (or even weeks, as far as the current gaping hole in our ceiling is concerned) until the maintenance guy arrives and fixes it and we go on blithely about our daily lives. now there will be no guy... we'll be the guy that has to fix it. i'm anticipating steep learning curve...

on the up side, there been a whole lot of purging of crap going on while i've been packing for the move. not my crap, mind you... i purged that a year and a half ago when i moved to this country. no, this time i'm purging the husband's crap. like the stack of unopened credit card bills from 2005.... and the pile of military-issue desert boots, because any way you look at it, he's only got two feet to put 18 boots on. someone else can benefit from a few pair... it feels good to get rid of stuff. especially when you know that it makes room for the getting of new stuff.

out with the old toaster oven that has been collecting dust... in with the crock pot and panini maker!!

on the down side (here comes the panic), once we buy this house, we're stuck here for a while. possibly a long while.... (and here comes the nausea). i'm not sure i want to live here for a long while. i haven't lived in any one place for more than two years at a time since i left the rocky mountains ten years ago. i'm a nomad. i have no friends here. there's no winter here... and no mountains... and it gets hot and sticky and miserable in the summer... i get hot and sticky and miserable here in the summer.... gak!!!!!!!!!

(coolblueoceans, coolblueoceans, coolblueoceans, cool blue oceans, cool blue oceans..... cool... blue... oceans....)

okay, i'm alright now.

at least, i'm breathing again.

on the upside, we'll have a beautiful fenced back yard... perfect for pets and kids and putting in a garden. heaven! can't wait to grow herbs and veggies and flowers for cutting... can't wait to lounge by the pool (yes, pool!!) and listen to birds and bees and wind in the trees.

psst.... did i mention that we'll own our own home on Friday?

time for a break from taking a break from blogging...

hard to believe it's been well over a month since i last visited this place... how neglectful of me!

i've been all caught up in "hunt for a home" fever. what a rollercoaster ride that is! excitement at the prospect of owning our own home, shock at seeing some of the disaster zones that looked really great on their online listing, anticipation when putting an offer on a home, crashing disappointment when finding out we were out-bid on the "house of our dreams" du jour...

frustration and fatigue over time.... there came a point where i just didn't ever want to look at another house again.

and then we found it. our house....

we sign the papers and receive the keys on the 4th of December.

it still seems a dream. it still feels as though something could happen and the deal could fall through and we could have to start all over again... but the inspections have been done, the bank has approved the loan, now we're just waiting on the seller to do some minor repairs and move out...

i'll post pics when we've got the keys in our hot little hands.

i've learned a lot these last two days

i know you're waiting with baited breath for the details of my time with my new BFF (His Holiness, the Dalai Lama).... and i'm eager to share.

but i'm also quite knackered... it's surprising how exhausting it can be to sit and pay attention and think about new things all day.

so i'll give you a little teaser... a preview, so to speak.

1. HH the Dalai Lama laughs at his own jokes... a lot. And he tells a lot of jokes.
2. Recent research has shown that structural changes in the brain can be seen with as little as three months of consistent meditation practice.
3. The most basic element necessary for humans to flourish is happiness... this raises the question as to whether current measurement of national success are even relevant... ie what does Gross National Product really say about our success? We'd be better off measuring Gross National Happiness. (how do you think we'd score on that survey??)
4. By age 2, the children of bad parenting suffer irrevocable damage to their cognitive development, even if their home life situation is altered and their physical development recovers.
5. The tradition of giving white silk scarves is a fairly recent one, and HH the Dalai Lama explained it thus: the tradition of a host giving scarves to honour his/her guests comes from India... the softness of the silk represents kindness, the white represents purity of heart... the silk comes from China... the length of the scarf represents longevity... and I can't remember all the rest of the details.

more soon...

scenes from last night

young girl wonders aloud where my husband is, as they were quite taken with each other when they met last time... about 6 months ago. she tells me she is studying explorers at school and she was reminded of my husband when she started to learn about Francisco Coronado. i tell her he still has the glow-in-the-dark gift that she made for him last time and she blushes with pleasure.

~

young boy makes all his Halloween-themed finger puppets Elvis. Elvis Frankenstein, Elvis Witch, Elvis Devil, Elvis Ghost, Elvis Pumpkinhead... then he had them sing "return to sender" ... awesome.

~

first time volunteer starts doing sketches of witches and werewolves on sheets of construction paper.... kids clamor for them, and proceed to colour them with markers, dab them with glitter glue, bejewel them with sparkly stickers and google eyes... and he goes home with an armful of their "collaborative art."

~

young boy who was extremely difficult to manage at last visit is happy to see me this time around, makes sure we sit together, and tells me jokes all evening, poking me with marker and glue stained fingers to get my attention should it stray from him and him alone...

~

young sisters in pretty dresses with ribbons in their hair turn their finger puppets into creatures from the house of gore with gobs of red glitter glue... and then put on a puppet show of massacre. complete with tissue paper curtains in front of the stage, music before the opening of the performance, and elaborate dying and revival scenes. Pumpkinhead was particularly resilient, and Frankenstein was particularly sensitive and prone to sobbing.

~

there's nothing quite like spending time with children at the Life With Cancer Family Center

back to finding bliss..

i'm going to a two day conference this week, hosted by the Mind Life Institute and featuring the His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.... a conference called Educating World Citizens for the 21st Century.

i'm going for many reasons.... one, because how times in my life will i have the chance to be in the same room as the Dalai Lama?? two, because educating world citizens is kind of what my recently completed degree was all about.... and three, because i'm still looking for my bliss and i'm hoping these two days of mental stimulation might fire some neurons in the direction of bliss, and also maybe i'll meet some interesting people who are looking for interesting (and interested) people to hire...

wish me luck?

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~ Howard Thurman

7 types of peace

I've been thinking a lot lately about finding my place here... both in terms of my psychological space here, feelings of belonging and community, the richness of participating in a society through employment and social action, etc... and then also literally, in buying a home.

Because I don't feel that I have found my place, I have been struggling with feeling ungrounded, adrift, lost, without purpose, unsettled... and definitely not at peace with myself. So, I was doing a little reading online today about finding peace and came across this interesting perspective on the various kinds of peace.

Believe me, I'm familiar with the different concepts of peace in the formal literature of Peace Studies... that is my so-called area of expertise after all... but this was somewhat new and surprising. Something in it is resonating, and I'm not entirely certain what it is, or why it makes me feel somehow more at peace with myself for having read it. But, it did... and so I post it here for you.

Thoughts? Feelings? Debate?

excerpted from : http://www.brazzil.com/info/186-december-2007/10022.html

The Aymara people, who for centuries have lived around Lake Titicaca in the Andes, defend the principle of seven different types of peace. The first is inner peace. Peace with yourself through the health of your body, the clarity of your mind, the pleasure of your work, the reciprocity of your loves. Without peace with yourself, you are not at peace.

The second is directed upward. Peace with the spirits of your ancestors, with the will of God. If you are not at peace with the supernatural, spiritual world, with the metaphysics of your existence, your peace is incomplete.

The third is directed forward: peace with your past. The arrogant Western culture puts the past behind it. The Aymara put the past in front of them because it is the known, the seen, the lived. If you are remorseful, have unpaid debts, guilt, regret, you are not totally at peace.

The fourth is directed backward: peace with your future. Anyone who is afraid of what is to come, is frightened of debts to pay, of uncertain employment, or is expecting bad news is not at peace.

The fifth is directed towards the left: peace with those nearby. Without peace in the family, there is nopeace. Domestic quarrels, discontent with family members and close friends, take away the feeling ofpeace.

The sixth is directed towards the right: peace with your neighbors. Peace at home serves no purpose if, on the other side of the street, there is menace, malediction, discontent.

The final peace is directed downward: peace with the earth that you tread upon, the source of your sustenance. If a tempest comes, if the soil dries out or trembles, there will be no complete peace.

I wish each reader these seven types of peace based upon the wisdom of the Aymara. But I also hope that, besides the seven forms of peace, you have plans to make them. Of the seven, five depend only upon you and your family, your introspection, your spirituality, your friendships.

But two of them, those directed to the right and downward, depend upon your sociopolitical action. They depend upon struggle.

In today's global word, all human beings are your neighbors, beginning with those of your own country.

The peace of each human being depends upon every other human being's wellbeing, peace without hunger or violence. If we want complete peace, therefore, we have to act to achieve it. Your right-side peace will not be complete until all human beings have the same chance in life.

It is likewise necessary to include in your plans the struggle to protect nature, the beginning of the revolution for sustainable development. Without this, you will not have the peace directed downward, with Mother Earth. Nor will you guarantee the same chance to all generations, leaving future human beings without access to the same legacy of nature.

These two plans of struggle are needed to achieve peace with the Earth and with humanity. Without them, you will not have the other five forms of peace either. It is impossible to have peace while there are children without schooling or while there is destruction of the Amazon.

How can you not feel remorse while knowing that we have already lost five centuries of history? How can you have peace with the future while knowing that we are tearing our country and the world to pieces? And how can you have peace with the family when your children and grandchildren are asking what you did to prevent the tragedy?

I wish you all the seven types of peace and hope that you will struggle for your right to them... Because peace does not just happen, peace is made.

today i'm grateful for...

~ lengthy telephone calls with old friends

~ the sight of falling leaves, heralding the imminent arrival of autumn (even if it still feels like summer out there)

~ the arrival of my custom made-to-fit-my-unusual-engagement-ring wedding band, direct from Nova Scotia's south shore... from the studio of Allyson Simmie

~ fresh pomegranates

~ my husband's excitement at the prospect of buying a house... which i find rather overwhelming (buying a house, not my husband's excitement)

~ sunlit afternoons in the ball park with friends (too bad the Nats lost... again)

~ just barely making the deferral deadline for Marine Corps Marathon (which I will now run next year, due to recent injury)

~ supportive teammates

~

can it really be a whole year already?

it was our one year wedding anniversary on Saturday.

hard to believe that a whole year has gone by so fast.

it's been a big year. lots of life lessons, lots of learning about ourselves and each other, lots of growth, and lots of love...

we had a very romantic dinner wherein i drank way too much wine (because he was driving), followed by a very romantic stroll about Old Town Alexandria...

i'd like to say it was followed by some romantic snuggling once we got home, but i had drank too much and he was knackered having come off night shift and not getting much sleep... so it was followed by some serious snoozing...

and that was followed by some romantic snuggling in the morning :)

torti-wha?

so, after five days of nursing a painfully stiff and sore neck, i went to see the doctor today. aside from the fact that it really hurt and made simple things like tilting my head back to drink from a glass or checking my blindspot while changing lanes on the freeway really difficult.... i wasn't really worried.

until i got to the hospital and they started doing tests for meningitis.

then i got worried. i've lost loved ones (okay, just one) to meningitis. i don't want to lose me to meningitis....

fortunately, after two very anxious hours, it turns out that i don't have meningitis after all... i have torticollis.

torti-what? i say.... and the doc says "sign here for your narcotics" and sends me home.

so here i lay, on the couch... with heating pad under my sore head... waiting for 10:00 to roll around so i can pick my husband up from work... and then drift off into a stupor of painkillers and muscle relaxants...

wheeee!

(can't wait!!!!)

photo blog

i had to buy a "new" suitcase to bring it all home...

celebrating the fact...

today i am celebrating.

nothing major. nothing terribly exciting. but if it comes down to it and i decide to find things to celebrate in my life... there are certainly things to be celebrated.

so here goes:

i am celebrating the fact that i'm wearing long pants today. you may find this a strange thing to celebrate, but given the fact that i have spent most of the last three weeks wearing as little as i can possible get away with in public situations, and still felt cranky and miserable (and melty!) in the heat... being comfortable in cargo pants and a t-shirt is cause for celebration.

i'm celebrating the fact that my sweetheart is happy in his new job. not just okay with it. not just counting the days til his weekend. not just enjoying the change after 20 years in his last job.... he's happy. he looks forward to going back after his days off.

i'm celebrating the fact that i have inherited a shitload more yarn (working on your scarf, Wiggs!)... this time from my grandmother, who is no longer around to use it. i might find it hard to give away the items i make from it, but for the moment there's enough here for me to make a pile on the floor and roll around in it. i'm not sure my grandmother would approve, but i'm sure she would appreciate the pleasure it gives me to feel so close to her when i'm surrounded by her things.

i'm celebrating the fact that i am blessed with lovely people in my life... great friends and family that i love, and that love me.... even if they are scattered about the planet.

i'm celebrating the fact that i'm going to find a great job. someday.

and just like waiting for the great guy, it will be worth the wait in the end.

i'm celebrating the fact that i have almost completed fundraising for my upcoming marathon... and i'm celebrating the fact that i am capable of running it. (sixteen mile training run tomorrow morning, folks!)

i'm celebrating the fact that my coffee turned out just right, my toast is crispy and fragrant, and i have the time to relax and enjoy them.

follow my bliss...

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....


peaceful? yes...

soothing? yes...

blissful? not quite...




follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

tempting!!!!
momentarily rapture... but not bliss.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

Oh blissful moments... but not mine to keep.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

FUN!!

but not bliss exactly

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

JOY!

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

CONTENTMENT

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....




NOSTALGIA





follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

LOVE












all wonderful things for which i am truly grateful... but they say that to find one's path in life (and by path i mean purpose and by purpose i mean job....), one must follow one's bliss.

and so, i seek to follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, where the hell is my bloody bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???

I'm going to find it one of these days.

today's a crying sort of day...

today is one of those days were it seems pretty much everything is destined to set me off...

walk out the front door and it is 80 degrees and so humid that it feels like i just stepped into a steamy sauna... and i'm so overwhelmed and depressed by the heat that i cry (and put off my morning run).

no matter how i bend or twist the power cord for my laptop, it's just not going to light up for me... so i curse in frustration and then i cry.

husband is thrown off when i ask if i can have the truck for the day, five minutes before he's scheduled to leave for work, and he gets a little snappy... and i tear up a little.

husband brings my hand to his lips by way of apology in the truck a few minutes later, and i cry.

new power cord costs twice the upper limit of what i had imagined it might cost to replace the old one... and although i don't cry, i do feel just a little deflated.

letter from the tax-man waiting for me when i get home... seems they've adjusted my claim for me, and i now owe them some money.... more cursing and tears.

fortunately, netflix has delivered so i settle down on the couch for a soothing afternoon of movie watching (procrastinating on the daily job searching)... but wouldn't you know it, the movie was really sad... like, i need to find a box of kleenex sad.

so, to cheer myself up, i went online to look for jobs for a while. i'm once again facing the dilemna of not really knowing how to market myself, inspite of having recently finished my degree... at the moment i'm applying for anything that looks even remotely interesting... no matter what field. sadly, there was nothing inspirational to be found this afternoon. (gloom, gloom, gloom)

gave up on job hunting and read some blogs (insert a few tears here)

dinner time, husband is working weird shifts and isn't home so i'm free to cook whatever i feel like eating... we had fresh corn handy, so i cooked up a couple ears and made a big salad. i'm trying to lose some of the weight i gained over the five weeks of all-day-classes and parties that made up my Canadian vacation.... so instead of eating sweet delicious corn smothered in butter, which is how i like it, i find myself standing over the sink eating sweet boring naked corn and thinking that life just sucks... and crying.

fucking pms.

Rainy Day Photoblog

Farmer's Market

swiss chard


carrots and beets

more beets

fresh bread

almost heaven

i took a little road trip to West Virginia not long ago... with songs of John Denver filling my head in the days prior, i was ready to see a little piece of "almost heaven"

it was a funny little trip. one of the women that i work with goes there regularly as she has family there... and she raves regularly about her favourite thrift shop in W.V. where she finds designer clothes and loads of household stuff at a steal of a deal. another woman from work decided she would go check it out, and i decided to keep her company as i'd never been to W.V. before...

my sweetheart dropped me off at her house at 8:00 on Saturday morning. she is in her late 60's and rather sweet and mild tempered, so i was expecting a rather sweet and mild day with a John Denver soundtrack (at least, in my own head, if not actually...)

the first part of the drive was major highways and heavy-ish traffic... but as the towns turned to rolling farm land, and the rolling hills turned to winding mountain roads ("mountain"... sigh! they're hills, i tell you!) we started to feel as though we were truly on an adventure.

sights along the way:

~ Al's car and saw repair
~ field full (and i mean FULL) of old cars... looked like a party, with no people
~ abandoned gas station claiming cheapest gas around, but no pumps... however, they did have the largest gumball machine i've ever seen, still half full of gumballs
~ dirty faced toddler wearing only a diaper standing akimbo in a dirt driveway, staring out at the road, all by herself

i navigated, she drove... the conversation ebbed and flowed... and during a lull she put on a cd of her grand daughter's choir performance. i know... flinch, right? grit your teeth and plug your ears.... but as the opening notes filled the car, she cranked the stereo up ungodly loud and opened the windows. with the wind in our hair the choir roared out a song straight from the depths of Africa... it made her shrug her shoulders and do a little dance as she drove, it made her drive faster and faster, people turned their heads and stared as we made our way down those West Virginia countries roads.

almost heaven... so much for John Denver in my head.

we had to ask for directions to the thrift shop, but when we found it, it was enormous... boxes of denuded and disheveled barbie dolls, tables of mismatched dishes and moldy books, ... half of the parking lot was filled with old baby strollers, a fair half of the space inside was carseats and bunkbeds, mountains of musty clothes, boxes of old baseball gloves, fifty sets of dusty/rusty crutches propped up against the wall next to a dozen or so pairs of ancient and obsolete skis (perhaps the source of the broken limbs??), shelves of old hair gel and mouthwash....

standing in front of the ball gloves, an octegenarian confronted me, wanting to know if i was planning on playing baseball or doing some boxing.... i told him i was contemplating both, and he regaled me with stories of his boxing career in the military... about teaching some "young pup" how to box, and then having his own nose bloodied every night for weeks by his young protege... swearing he wouldn't stop fighting the boy until he had bloodied his nose in return. one night he knocked him to the ground with one blow to the beak, and still no blood... at which point he told the boy "i don't believe you've got a drop of blood in you!" and refused to fight him again. he gained an audience as he launched into tales of fighting and community dances and "i told him i had a gun too".... and i drifted away.

around the corner, in front of the boxes of old easter eggs and ladies lingerie, another elderly gentlemen accosted me, asking if i was planning on filling my bag today... uncertain whether or not he was store security, i told him i was just plotting my purchases for the moment... ten minutes later he found me trying on pleather jackets and apologised, saying he didn't mean to make me think he was accusing me of shoplifting... just hoping that i would find somethings i'd like....

in the end all i bought was a few yellow tomatoes from a kid selling fresh produce and kittens in the parking lot. my friend bought a rain coat for 50 cents. long way to go for such small purchases.

we stopped on the way home for some bbq and fresh donuts... our biggest purchases of the day.

it was a beautiful drive though... a great Saturday outing :-)

random May e-mails from my mother

my mom writes the best e-mails... they're infrequent, but worth waiting for...

here is a very random selection of e-mails written in the month of May over the last 8 years or so.



May 30, 200?

Subject: tgif??

Hello - its Friday the last day of my holiday week and I have accomplished absolutely nothing that I had on my mental list of THINGS I MUST DO. Bummer dude or what. Its been bloody cold and rainy all week, but I did manage to spend 2 days in my bug suit filling up window boxes and tubs and doing quite a bit of weeding. High point of the week really. Ben is spending the day at home today. He committed a couple of majors this week so he has lost 2 weeks of beloved computer time and was not permitted to go on the school trip today (kicked a kid at school). Much waaaaahhhhh! Am off to do the cleaning stuff that I put off all week - just wanted to say ahola and hows it going cos it does seem like ages since I have. How's Andre? inquiringly yours, mummer xx


May 17, 200?

Subject: N E

My narchemesis (translation: my nephew's version of arch nemesis, which he informs my mother they are...) was here for a great sleepover and now we are on our way to his house for supper - delicious pulled pork a la Catherine. He had a great time wielding the "spatula of destiny|" all morning a long with some serious checker playing - he won every game, who knew? Super news about the flight - you will definitely be met by a raucous cheering section and potentially the aforementioned spatula. love must run xxxxxxxxxxx

May 26, 200?

Subject: Finally

Hi

Please phone soon

We had a lousy time in PG, except for visit with Kelly and Nigel....

Ben and Nigel did a lot of computer car racing - and did you know that one of Ben's favourite cars is a Jeep Cherryoakee - say it out loud, it works better - and also at Scouts on Monday, Ben's troop was playing Old Man and the Sea, a variation on British Bulldog. Ben did not ever get to be the old man and was always a fish - either a starfish or a tampon. Not sure if thats a reflection of increasing water pollution levels or (I suspect) a tarpon.

Please phone. I miss you. kiss kiss Mummer

May 2, 200?

Subject: FIRST MESSAGE ON OUR NEW COMPUTOR COMING YOUR WAY

Greetings Earthling!!!!!!

Ben: You know that old track that I got for Christmas , the race car one, well I managed to put that back together today. Its working great and I'm loving it!!! I'm still working on that cassette for you and Myk too. Also if you want any certain songs on it tell me on the next email. School is going great for me - my teacher's name is Mrs. Younger and she is very nice. I have 12 kids in my class altogether (that is including me)...

Loooooooooooove You ( peck peck peck)

Ben

JEN: okay there you have it - B's first e-note to you...I have finished the dreaded fosterparent bulltweet and although I should feel free and unencumbered I have a lot of Boy Scout BS to sort out. THEN I will feel much better about my organizational self.. Dad is off to Calgary tomorrow, Cath is nearly finished her term (Wednesday I think) and Ben gets his report card on Wed. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, now that we have christened the new computor I can email (nearly) every day to you - and I will. I'm sorta waiting at this very moment for you to phone so talk to you soon BIGTIMEOHYEAHLOVE mummer

May 8, 200?

Subject: gloom

Hi - quick note - Im feeling a tad eeyoreish today - Ben is having issues at school, its raining and Catherine is snarly that its making things uncomfortable. Are you frantically busy? Feels like I am but I don't really know why. kkiissss mummer

May 17, 200?

Subject: men!

Megs - I am horrendously sorry that I didn't get back to you in a screamin' hurry about the all encompassing issues with MEN. I'm actually at a loss of words and advice to be quite truthful about it all. I put it off for a few days to think about it and then I put it off again as it was virtually the weekend and I thought we could natter it over. Really though I'm a bit of an ostrich about love relationships.. I definitely DO NOT believe that the issue is yours but more that they are the losers. Is it too much to think that we can be admired loved adored cared for because we can think/articulate/act compassionately/haveestrogen moments/ and chew gum at the same time?

I have to say that the guy turned out to be a bit shallow and furtive did he not? What a dweeb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really Megs you have to go with your heart about the baby thing (note: I was not actually having a baby... I had simply been bemoaning my increasing age and continued singledom, and talking about the idea of getting too old to have kids, and maybe I should just plan to have one on my own...). Dad is panicking that I have said that to you - he's thinking of all the negative stuff about paternity custody and family pressures - but I think you are quite aware of what it entails and who you are..

anyways, as that knob Ben says, I am at home today having a bit of a mental health day so if you feel like phoning tonight I'd just love it. My heart is with you mummer xx