follow my bliss...

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....


peaceful? yes...

soothing? yes...

blissful? not quite...




follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

tempting!!!!
momentarily rapture... but not bliss.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

Oh blissful moments... but not mine to keep.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

FUN!!

but not bliss exactly

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

JOY!

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

CONTENTMENT

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....




NOSTALGIA





follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

LOVE












all wonderful things for which i am truly grateful... but they say that to find one's path in life (and by path i mean purpose and by purpose i mean job....), one must follow one's bliss.

and so, i seek to follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, where the hell is my bloody bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???

I'm going to find it one of these days.

today's a crying sort of day...

today is one of those days were it seems pretty much everything is destined to set me off...

walk out the front door and it is 80 degrees and so humid that it feels like i just stepped into a steamy sauna... and i'm so overwhelmed and depressed by the heat that i cry (and put off my morning run).

no matter how i bend or twist the power cord for my laptop, it's just not going to light up for me... so i curse in frustration and then i cry.

husband is thrown off when i ask if i can have the truck for the day, five minutes before he's scheduled to leave for work, and he gets a little snappy... and i tear up a little.

husband brings my hand to his lips by way of apology in the truck a few minutes later, and i cry.

new power cord costs twice the upper limit of what i had imagined it might cost to replace the old one... and although i don't cry, i do feel just a little deflated.

letter from the tax-man waiting for me when i get home... seems they've adjusted my claim for me, and i now owe them some money.... more cursing and tears.

fortunately, netflix has delivered so i settle down on the couch for a soothing afternoon of movie watching (procrastinating on the daily job searching)... but wouldn't you know it, the movie was really sad... like, i need to find a box of kleenex sad.

so, to cheer myself up, i went online to look for jobs for a while. i'm once again facing the dilemna of not really knowing how to market myself, inspite of having recently finished my degree... at the moment i'm applying for anything that looks even remotely interesting... no matter what field. sadly, there was nothing inspirational to be found this afternoon. (gloom, gloom, gloom)

gave up on job hunting and read some blogs (insert a few tears here)

dinner time, husband is working weird shifts and isn't home so i'm free to cook whatever i feel like eating... we had fresh corn handy, so i cooked up a couple ears and made a big salad. i'm trying to lose some of the weight i gained over the five weeks of all-day-classes and parties that made up my Canadian vacation.... so instead of eating sweet delicious corn smothered in butter, which is how i like it, i find myself standing over the sink eating sweet boring naked corn and thinking that life just sucks... and crying.

fucking pms.

Rainy Day Photoblog

Farmer's Market

swiss chard


carrots and beets

more beets

fresh bread

almost heaven

i took a little road trip to West Virginia not long ago... with songs of John Denver filling my head in the days prior, i was ready to see a little piece of "almost heaven"

it was a funny little trip. one of the women that i work with goes there regularly as she has family there... and she raves regularly about her favourite thrift shop in W.V. where she finds designer clothes and loads of household stuff at a steal of a deal. another woman from work decided she would go check it out, and i decided to keep her company as i'd never been to W.V. before...

my sweetheart dropped me off at her house at 8:00 on Saturday morning. she is in her late 60's and rather sweet and mild tempered, so i was expecting a rather sweet and mild day with a John Denver soundtrack (at least, in my own head, if not actually...)

the first part of the drive was major highways and heavy-ish traffic... but as the towns turned to rolling farm land, and the rolling hills turned to winding mountain roads ("mountain"... sigh! they're hills, i tell you!) we started to feel as though we were truly on an adventure.

sights along the way:

~ Al's car and saw repair
~ field full (and i mean FULL) of old cars... looked like a party, with no people
~ abandoned gas station claiming cheapest gas around, but no pumps... however, they did have the largest gumball machine i've ever seen, still half full of gumballs
~ dirty faced toddler wearing only a diaper standing akimbo in a dirt driveway, staring out at the road, all by herself

i navigated, she drove... the conversation ebbed and flowed... and during a lull she put on a cd of her grand daughter's choir performance. i know... flinch, right? grit your teeth and plug your ears.... but as the opening notes filled the car, she cranked the stereo up ungodly loud and opened the windows. with the wind in our hair the choir roared out a song straight from the depths of Africa... it made her shrug her shoulders and do a little dance as she drove, it made her drive faster and faster, people turned their heads and stared as we made our way down those West Virginia countries roads.

almost heaven... so much for John Denver in my head.

we had to ask for directions to the thrift shop, but when we found it, it was enormous... boxes of denuded and disheveled barbie dolls, tables of mismatched dishes and moldy books, ... half of the parking lot was filled with old baby strollers, a fair half of the space inside was carseats and bunkbeds, mountains of musty clothes, boxes of old baseball gloves, fifty sets of dusty/rusty crutches propped up against the wall next to a dozen or so pairs of ancient and obsolete skis (perhaps the source of the broken limbs??), shelves of old hair gel and mouthwash....

standing in front of the ball gloves, an octegenarian confronted me, wanting to know if i was planning on playing baseball or doing some boxing.... i told him i was contemplating both, and he regaled me with stories of his boxing career in the military... about teaching some "young pup" how to box, and then having his own nose bloodied every night for weeks by his young protege... swearing he wouldn't stop fighting the boy until he had bloodied his nose in return. one night he knocked him to the ground with one blow to the beak, and still no blood... at which point he told the boy "i don't believe you've got a drop of blood in you!" and refused to fight him again. he gained an audience as he launched into tales of fighting and community dances and "i told him i had a gun too".... and i drifted away.

around the corner, in front of the boxes of old easter eggs and ladies lingerie, another elderly gentlemen accosted me, asking if i was planning on filling my bag today... uncertain whether or not he was store security, i told him i was just plotting my purchases for the moment... ten minutes later he found me trying on pleather jackets and apologised, saying he didn't mean to make me think he was accusing me of shoplifting... just hoping that i would find somethings i'd like....

in the end all i bought was a few yellow tomatoes from a kid selling fresh produce and kittens in the parking lot. my friend bought a rain coat for 50 cents. long way to go for such small purchases.

we stopped on the way home for some bbq and fresh donuts... our biggest purchases of the day.

it was a beautiful drive though... a great Saturday outing :-)

random May e-mails from my mother

my mom writes the best e-mails... they're infrequent, but worth waiting for...

here is a very random selection of e-mails written in the month of May over the last 8 years or so.



May 30, 200?

Subject: tgif??

Hello - its Friday the last day of my holiday week and I have accomplished absolutely nothing that I had on my mental list of THINGS I MUST DO. Bummer dude or what. Its been bloody cold and rainy all week, but I did manage to spend 2 days in my bug suit filling up window boxes and tubs and doing quite a bit of weeding. High point of the week really. Ben is spending the day at home today. He committed a couple of majors this week so he has lost 2 weeks of beloved computer time and was not permitted to go on the school trip today (kicked a kid at school). Much waaaaahhhhh! Am off to do the cleaning stuff that I put off all week - just wanted to say ahola and hows it going cos it does seem like ages since I have. How's Andre? inquiringly yours, mummer xx


May 17, 200?

Subject: N E

My narchemesis (translation: my nephew's version of arch nemesis, which he informs my mother they are...) was here for a great sleepover and now we are on our way to his house for supper - delicious pulled pork a la Catherine. He had a great time wielding the "spatula of destiny|" all morning a long with some serious checker playing - he won every game, who knew? Super news about the flight - you will definitely be met by a raucous cheering section and potentially the aforementioned spatula. love must run xxxxxxxxxxx

May 26, 200?

Subject: Finally

Hi

Please phone soon

We had a lousy time in PG, except for visit with Kelly and Nigel....

Ben and Nigel did a lot of computer car racing - and did you know that one of Ben's favourite cars is a Jeep Cherryoakee - say it out loud, it works better - and also at Scouts on Monday, Ben's troop was playing Old Man and the Sea, a variation on British Bulldog. Ben did not ever get to be the old man and was always a fish - either a starfish or a tampon. Not sure if thats a reflection of increasing water pollution levels or (I suspect) a tarpon.

Please phone. I miss you. kiss kiss Mummer

May 2, 200?

Subject: FIRST MESSAGE ON OUR NEW COMPUTOR COMING YOUR WAY

Greetings Earthling!!!!!!

Ben: You know that old track that I got for Christmas , the race car one, well I managed to put that back together today. Its working great and I'm loving it!!! I'm still working on that cassette for you and Myk too. Also if you want any certain songs on it tell me on the next email. School is going great for me - my teacher's name is Mrs. Younger and she is very nice. I have 12 kids in my class altogether (that is including me)...

Loooooooooooove You ( peck peck peck)

Ben

JEN: okay there you have it - B's first e-note to you...I have finished the dreaded fosterparent bulltweet and although I should feel free and unencumbered I have a lot of Boy Scout BS to sort out. THEN I will feel much better about my organizational self.. Dad is off to Calgary tomorrow, Cath is nearly finished her term (Wednesday I think) and Ben gets his report card on Wed. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, now that we have christened the new computor I can email (nearly) every day to you - and I will. I'm sorta waiting at this very moment for you to phone so talk to you soon BIGTIMEOHYEAHLOVE mummer

May 8, 200?

Subject: gloom

Hi - quick note - Im feeling a tad eeyoreish today - Ben is having issues at school, its raining and Catherine is snarly that its making things uncomfortable. Are you frantically busy? Feels like I am but I don't really know why. kkiissss mummer

May 17, 200?

Subject: men!

Megs - I am horrendously sorry that I didn't get back to you in a screamin' hurry about the all encompassing issues with MEN. I'm actually at a loss of words and advice to be quite truthful about it all. I put it off for a few days to think about it and then I put it off again as it was virtually the weekend and I thought we could natter it over. Really though I'm a bit of an ostrich about love relationships.. I definitely DO NOT believe that the issue is yours but more that they are the losers. Is it too much to think that we can be admired loved adored cared for because we can think/articulate/act compassionately/haveestrogen moments/ and chew gum at the same time?

I have to say that the guy turned out to be a bit shallow and furtive did he not? What a dweeb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really Megs you have to go with your heart about the baby thing (note: I was not actually having a baby... I had simply been bemoaning my increasing age and continued singledom, and talking about the idea of getting too old to have kids, and maybe I should just plan to have one on my own...). Dad is panicking that I have said that to you - he's thinking of all the negative stuff about paternity custody and family pressures - but I think you are quite aware of what it entails and who you are..

anyways, as that knob Ben says, I am at home today having a bit of a mental health day so if you feel like phoning tonight I'd just love it. My heart is with you mummer xx

rainy day sunday...

laid in bed this morning listening to the rain on the window and decided it would be quite okay to sleep a little longer... lounged a while with coffee and the internet, baked bread, booked a flight home in July, read my new running magazine and contemplated going out for a run, had lunch, watched with great amusement as my husband nerded out with his newly recovered (and now growing) comic book collection...

still thinking about that run.

gotta love rainy sundays.

pretty, pretty, pretty...

drifts of fluffy white, smokey purple-grey, wispy rust orange threads, black-orange-red bobbly chaos, soft fuchsia, brilliant turquoise, bubblegum pink...

when i look out my window this is what i see. this is how i spent my afternoon... unraveling musty balls of yarn, found in my mother-in-law's attic and rescued on my behalf from the 25 cent bin at his father's yard sale by my husband.

my laundry rack now stands outside in the sunshine, neatly festooned with carefully unraveled and even more carefully strung and tied yarn... wool, mohair, silk, acrylic, cotton... you name it, i now have it, airing out in the hot Virginia sun.

not enough of any one colour to make a single large item... no sweaters, for example... but plenty for scarves and hats, socks or mittens too if i'm feeling adventurous this fall.

and even though it is hot, i'm looking forward to getting creative with it... come autumn, when it starts to cool down and the idea of putting on a scarf isn't enough to make one expire from the heat of it all.

on lazy mornings, love and finding home

~

i have been basking in the quiet glow of happiness that comes with a morning of snuggling up to my sweetheart and listening to his heart beat for a while after turning off the alarm because i don't actually have to get up early on my day off, followed by wandering about the house in my pjs with mug of delicious coffee in hand, listening to the radio, contemplating what to have for breakfast when my sweetheart wakes up, and catching up on reading blogs.

all of these are things i enjoyed on a daily basis (pretty much) for the last 7 months of unemployment... i did enjoy them. but now that they are limited due to actually having a job... now, i REALLY enjoy them.

anyway, on to the point of me writing in the first place.

i was reading the latest blog from my friend Fandango, in which he writes about singing and pining, troubadours and knights and sirens, opiates of the masses and finding that moment of harmony.... all about love, really. he likens the search for love to singing, which is a metaphor that i can get down and dance with... he says:

Isn't that why we sing? We put it out there and hope someone will hear. That someone will recognize the tune and sing with us.

... sometimes the tune is familiar. And we sing it and someone sings along in harmony... and it is like... finding home.


the sad thing is that now that i've written about my morning and his blog, i don't really remember what it was that i wanted to say after reading it... maybe i need more coffee. or less coffee, because too much of it makes me rather squirrelly... and that is how my mind is feeling right now, like it's jumping from branch to branch and trying to remember where it buried the nuts.

anyway... it was probably something along the lines of writing about love. i think this because i left a comment on his blog that went kind of like this:

you think that pining is/was reserved for the privileged? ...

then something about serf maidens longing, serf boys dreaming, clean and wealthy noblepersons pining too...

and finishing up with:

love and lust and longing are primordial... heck, even animals pine over their loves lost or unrequited!

but you're right about that moment of harmony, because nothing feels more like home that loving and being loved by the same person at the same time.


i think maybe that last bit is what i was thinking on... yeah, that's it. because i know i'm lucky. i pined over the wrong men, i longed for the wrong life, i dreamed about and worked towards the wrong futures... and i sang a lot of songs, sometimes in tune but mostly not... hoping that one of them would fit...

but now, i'm living in love.... we don't always sing the same song, and when we do we sometimes sound off key... but there is joy in singing together, and in the singing, i am home.

~

il pleut

~

so, after grousing about how stinking hot it was... we've had days and days of rain.

my skin is loving it.

my hair is curly and soft.

i weigh almost twice as much at the end of the day as i do when i leave home in the morning... what with the added water and mud.

**

as i was squelching my way around the garden centre this afternoon, wondering if it were possible to get any wetter, and wondering what i could do to make 5:00 come sooner so i could go home and warm up in a hot bath (which somehow i imagine feels dryer than the slow drip of the rain), and generally feeling kind of sorry for myself.... i caught myself, and deliberately took time to think about things that i was enjoying...

the birds for example... they have been singing their hearts out lately. non-stop serenading from morning to evening. they either love this rain, or their cussing sounds like music to my ears...

and the richness of the colours... the brilliant greens of new growth on the trees and shrubs, the vibrant blossoms and flitting birds...

and did i mention how much my skin is enjoying all this moisture? my fingers were little pink raisins by the end of the day, but... now that i'm showered and warm and fed and drowsy, my skin feels wonderfully hydrated and soft.

**

it's going to rain again tomorrow, but i don't mind....

it's my day off.

some things about my new job

~

Things I Like:

at my last garden centre/landscaping job there were these birds that were constantly singing about what sounded like "cheeseburger"... this made all of us hungry and longing for lunch break.

at the new job, in this new climate, there are birds that i don't know... and for the last three days i've been serenaded by a particularly persistent fellow who keeps calling me "cutie." i told him straight-up that i'm happily married and he doesn't stand a chance. but, he keeps after me... "cutie, cutie, cutie..... cutie, cutie, cutie, cutie!"

truth be told, i'm kind of flattered.

**

the koi in the ponds are enormous, and they kind of go nuts in the afternoon heat. yesterday they thought they were dolphins and were practicing their tandem leaping. some parts of the koi ponds are hung with nearly invisible criss-crossing wires. i kind of figured the owners were humouring them and their Catherine Zeta-Jones/Entrapment delusions... but, it turns out they're hung there to snare would-be theives... herons and small children, etc.

now i'm wondering if that is how the koi got so big... the owners trap unsuspecting birds/small children so the koi can practice their pirhana skills.

**

Things I Don't Like:

it's hot here... i'm the biggest wilted flower on the entire (16 acre) garden centre lot. if this is what April in Virginia is like, i'm not sure i'm going to survive July & August. good thing i'm going back to Canada for a good part of July :-)

~

isn't life just action packed?

got a job today... it won't challenge my brain or use my education in any way.
but i'll be working outside, i'll be working with plants, i'll be working this week... all good reasons to celebrate!

***

after contacting my university a few weeks ago, i finally got notice that they have approved my request to withdraw from my thesis and go on to do one more credit of course work to complete my degree. not only that, but they made my withdrawal retro-active... so not only i will not have a bad grade on my transcript, but i'll get most of the money back that i paid in tuition... which will just about cover the cost of the course i'm going to take in July.

the course i'm taking in July is a super-condensed course... 2 weeks, 9am to 4pm... and once i'm done, i'm done. degree completed.

phew!

**

spent last weekend in New York visiting old friends... it was my first trip to New York, and it was a little overwhelming. five minutes off the bus and i was struggling to control my desire to punch someone. i don't have a violent bone in my body normally, and i've never experienced "pedestrian rage"... but, turns out there is a first time for everything!

clearly, i'm not made for crowds.

spent two days walking all over Manhattan... apparently it was the first hot weekend of the year, and people were out in full force... stroller traffic jams in Central Park. had to laugh at the ladies out taking their stilletos for a stroll through the park.

really though, i was there for the time with friends... and it was great.

**

we've got a thunderstorm coming in... the air is electric.

i love it.

putting my shoes on to go out for a run.

things that brighten my Sunday morning...

~ sunlight and cool air streaming in the windows


~ not having to choose between banana pancakes or blueberry pancakes. why choose when i can make both?! every bite is a new flavour combination... this one heavy sweet... that one bright bursting tangy... this one surprisingly plain (wot?! no fruit??) yet still satisfying... finally berry and banana both, sweet-tart.

am now wondering why it is that when food doesn't come out of a box we say that it is made from scratch. why does home made food have to sound so....... itchy?


~ dorky 3d glasses, encounters with new old friends, wandering the city street in simple conversation


~ visions of fireworks bursting into the night continue to dance in my mind's eye... the small white glow of the capital building off in the distance across the water... coloured shards exploding across the dark canvas of the night sky... the rumble and crack in the air, vibrating in the chest and stirring the heart.


~ making plans to see friends from Canada and France over the coming week


~ feeling connected

focus

the loose ends of my "paying it forward" venture are all tied up. i mailed a bright card glowing with a profusion of hot pink gerbera daisies to Solaris, i brown-paper-packaged (sans strings) the scarf i had knitted and posted it to Mandy (after silencing some small murmurings of fear in my heart... what if she doesn't like it?!), and posted the recipes for all the things i would have sent to Soccer Milf if only we didn't have to worry about the border guards deciding to have themselves a tea party.

i'm kind of sad it's done now. i was delighted, however, to see my pay it forward adventures moving in both directions, forward and back... for Char left me a note to say she'd be trying one of my recipes. so perhaps i too will find myself months along the road reading blog posts for friends as yet unknown and discover that they were inspired to pay it forward by someone who received a treasure from Soccer Milf or Mandy or Solaris.

***

i feel as though i'm at the end of a lot of things, and am having a hard time finding focus.

caring for my dying mother-in-law - check.
training for and running a marathon - check.
fundraising for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society - check.
filing all appropriate and tedious immigration paperwork - check.

all of these things have come to an abrupt end, and all within a couple weeks of each other.

now what?

focus.

now i need to focus on finding a job. preferably one that is motivating and stimulating and interesting... but at this point, i would be happy with pretty much anything that starts on Monday.

focus.

i also need to focus on finishing my Master's degree, which has been needlessly hanging over me like a dark cloud rather than dangling in front of me like the enticing tidbit it should be... well it is enticing, in truth... i've just not been in the mood to be enticed by it. so i need to focus, and get it done.

focus.

i have a new running goal to work toward... Marine Corps Marathon in October. my goal this time is not simply to finish, but to cut back on my running time.


all of these goals are achievable. i just need to focus.

Paying it Forward continues... a recipe blog.

As requested (since there is the serious likelihood of baked goods being confiscated -- and incinerated, or eaten ?? -- at the border), I am posting the recipes for the baked goods I would otherwise have sent to my "pay it forward" prize winner, Soccer Milf.

~

Banana Bread

preheat oven to 350 F

Mix together:
½ cup soft butter or margarine
½ cup white sugar
½ cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1/4 cup orange juice (CRITICAL)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (approximately 2 bananas, if they're of average size)

Then add:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt

Although delicious as is... I usually also add about a cup of one or any combination of the following:
semi-sweet chocolate chips, walnuts, chopped dried apricots, golden raisins

Mix until combined, but don't over mix or you'll wind up with small heavy loaves or muffins. Pour into greased loaf or muffin tins -- makes 1 loaf or 12 muffins

Bake at 350 F until a toothpick comes out clean (muffins - approx. 25-35 mins, loaf - approx. 1 hour)

~

Best Ever Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies

Mix together:
2 cups brown sugar
½ cup margarine
½ cup lard (or full cup of marg if you don't do lard)
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
pinch salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 cup all purpose flour
2 cups rolled oats
1 ½ cups shredded coconut
½ cup sesame seeds

optional - 1 cup of any of the following: raisins, chocolate chips, dried cranberries, walnuts, etc

Roll into balls of whatever size you like, place on a cookie sheet and press flat with a fork... these cookies don't really spread much when baking so factor that in when you're deciding how big or small you want them

Note: these cookies will be soft and chewy only until they cool. After that, they will be crunchy and perfect for dipping into tea, coffee or glasses of milk.

Bake at 350 F til golden (12-15 mins)

~

Carrot Loaf
(not to be mistaken for a carrot cake, this is denser and more amenable to spreading with butter or peanut butter than with cream cheese frosting, for example... though I leave that to your discretion)

preheat oven to 350 F

Beat together:
1 ½ cups melted butter
1 3/4 cups brown sugar
4 eggs
3 tsp vanilla
zest of one lemon

Sift in:
2 cups whole wheat flour
2 cups white flour
½ tsp baking soda
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp allspice
2 tsp cinnamon

Add:
2 ½ cups grated carrot
juice of one lemon
½ cup each of walnuts and raisins

Note: the mix will look dry and impossible until you add the carrot. Don't be tempted to add any liquids until the carrot is mixed in. Then, if it still seems too dry, add a little water. It should be a heavy and rather stiff mixture.

Turn into 2 loaf pans, buttered and sprinkled very generously with poppy seeds.

Bake for approximately 45 mins @ 350 F, until a toothpick comes out clean.

~

Nut Bars

preheat oven to 350 F

Combine until a crumbly dough forms:
3 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup soft margarine or butter

Press dough onto a cookie sheet to form the base for your nut bars.
Bake for 10 -12 minutes, until pale gold

In a sauce pan, combine and bring to a boil:
1/2 cup corn syrup
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp water
1 cup butterscotch chips

Let boil for two minutes, then remove from heat.

Meanwhile, sprinkle 2 cups of mixed nuts (any kind you like... we're fond of cashews, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, almonds, etc ) over the baked cookie base.


Pour the butterscotch syrup over the top of the nuts (on the cookie base), trying to make sure they're fairly evenly coated.

Bake for another 10 - 12 minutes at 350 F
Cool and cut into bars.

~

So, there you have it, Soccer Milf... the instructions for making your own baked goods care package. Hope you enjoy them!

And the award goes to...

Hope you weren't planning to collect your prizes at midnight last night... I was knocked out early by an evening of collective celebration (which is also how I'm going to spend this evening.. .it's all party party party around here! We have much to celebrate, but that's another blog).

Okay, so I wrote down all the contestant names (from both blogs) on bits of paper, put them in a bowl and had my husband do the draw...

In the order that he drew them:

Soccer Milf

Solaris

Mandy

Please leave a comment or message me your prize preferences. In all cases except the scarf, multiple contestants can choose the same prize. If there are multiple requests for the scarf, it will go to whomever messages me first.

For those of you who did not win, depending on what you were pining for... send me a beseeching e-mail, bat your eyes at me, stomp your feet and say it's not fair... whatever is your style for getting what you want, give it a try. I could probably be persuaded to give you prizes too. I'm just generous like that...

As I said, I have lots to celebrate right now, and it would be even sweeter if my friends had something to celebrate right now too, even if it is just the pleasure of finding a slightly beat up loaf of banana bread in the mail one morning.

(Please note: this is just a "for example"... the baking care package may or may not include banana bread... depending on whether I can keep my husband's hands off said banana bread long enough to package it up and send it.)

Thanks for playing... I look forward to hearing which prize caught your fancy.

and this year for my birthday....

~

US Immigration has granted me permanent residency!!

(how ever did they know that was JUST what i wanted...?)

~

UPDATE:

Another early birthday present! Registration for the Marine Corps Marathon opened today (and could very well sell out today)...

My husband signed me up. What insight! What thoughtfulness! What a gem of a man!

(it's possible that i might have told him that was just what i wanted...)


Such great gifts, and it's not even my birthday yet :-)

~

oh happy day..

neither of us were looking forward to Saturday... services for the departed are always difficult, particularly when for family members... it's a long drive to NJ at the best of times, made longer by the rainy night driving conditions, and the fact that we had forgotten a few key items and had to go back for them... which put us at our destination at 4 in the morning.

my father-in-law paced about the house nervously in the morning... getting together photographs, practicing the speech he had written to honour his deceased wife... my husband put the finishing touches on the slide show he had created with all the photos i had scanned earlier in the week, and called his sister several times to see if there was anything further we could bring.

his sister was frantically rushing about her house when we got there, trying to get the last details taken care of...

then the baby woke up and needed to be fed and changed, people arrived, the house was full of a chaos of old family friends laughing and hugging and crying... the computer was hooked up to the tv and the slide show began...

and suddenly it was a party.

my mother-in-law would have loved that.

no sad speeches, no damp hankies, no "if only we'd had more time..."
just a celebration of her life, her friendships, her children... a celebration of the time we all had with her.

it was a wonderful day. too bad we wasted so much energy dreading its coming.

get your FREE prizes here!!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! (as my friend Char would say)

I won a "pay it forward" from my friend Foxxx a little while back and have been brainstorming my “pay it forward” giftie ideas. And training for a marathon. And entertaining houseguests. And spending time with my mother-in-law before she died. And supporting my husband and his family after she died... So forgive my tardy getting to it.

Here’s the deal on "pay it forward". My friend Foxxx won a prize from our friend Char, who won one from someone else... Now I too will conduct a draw for prizes. You comment here saying you’d like to be entered into the draw. One week from today, I take all names and draw at random. You win. Simple as that.

Here's the catch....if you win, you have to agree to “pay it forward” to three other people via your own blog. Prizes can be handmade items, gift certificates for stores or online sites, donations to charities, etc.

Now, as you may know, due to my relatively recent change of countries and subsequent wait on work authorization, followed by a collapsing US economy... I'm not currently employed. So, my prize options will be modest, but heartfelt.

Each winner may choose one of the following:

~ A lovely spring-weight royal blue scarf that I just finished knitting (photos supplied by request)

~ 4 hours of volunteer service at a national (US) charity of your choice (I’m in the DC area so I would need it to be one that is accessible here)

~ A handwritten card, note, postcard or letter each month for a year (which can be sent to you, or some lonely soul that you would like to cheer up... just supply me with addresses)

~ 4 hours of yard/garden work at your home, as long as you are also in the DC area or don’t mind if it takes a few months or years for me to make it to your home for a visit.

~ A home-made baked goods “care package” (disclaimer - I cannot guarantee the freshness of said baked goods if you live on the other side of the world from me... but they will be fresh when I post them)


To enter, leave me a comment on this blog. Given that I have a rather small readership on both of my blogs, I will be posting this on both and accepting entries from both. Entries will be accepted until midnight April 3, 2009. After that, a random drawing will be held of all entries. Best of luck.

courage

~
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e. cummings

I was reading my friend Denize’s recent posting in which she wrote about Wayne Dyer and e.e. cummings and how they kept on being themselves even when people told them they were doing it wrong. She talks about trying to figure out what makes her her, and how to be honest about and true to those parts of herself.

She asked herself the following questions, and made a list of answers.

“So, who am I? what are all my layers? And what is my core?”


This is my list:

I love stillness
I get irritable when I don’t get time to myself
I crave physical contact, and am always holding hands, bumping into friends when we walk together, hugging, stroking hair, sitting in laps, massaging feet...
I wish people wanted to touch me as much as I want to touch them
I like to walk alone
I prefer to run with other people
I get a thrill from the rumble of thunder and flash of lightning
I love the sound of snow underfoot
I love the sound of rain on the roof
I am both soothed and energized by the sound of waves crashing along shorelines
I love the smell of lawn and leaves and earth
I love campfires
I love the northern lights
I love light reflecting on water
I love the way kids see the tiny details and don’t care about the big picture
I like to be busy
I love good food, pretty much any type, but I’m not a great cook
I love cheese
I am in loving awe of bees and elephants and whales
I am fascinated by insects, but don’t want (most of) them to touch me
I am stubborn
I don’t like being told what to do
I wish at times that people would tell me what to do
I sometimes get anxious if things aren’t done the way I would do them
I love to scream on rollercoasters
I love to sing loudly while I drive
I love to dance til the sweat pours down my body
I feel uplifted when I am in the mountains
I love to travel
I love to come home
I like my home to be tidy
I can be very messy
I am curious
I am lazy
I am loyal
I am exuberant
I am shy
I feel small when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know
I don’t like to be the centre of attention
I wish some people paid more attention to me
I feel like I have something important to say, but I don’t know what it is
I don’t like myself sometimes
I am frequently amazed by myself, when reminded of all that I have accomplished
I am flawed
I am changing
I am hopeful
I am trusting
I am me

(for now)

~

looking into a life

when we left my father-in-law's house two weeks ago, we took with us a couple boxes of loose photographs which my husband wanted to "digitize." there were two reasons for that, one is to preserve them as they've been floating about loose in the boxes and getting banged up, and the other is so that he can use them to create a slide show of images of his mother for her up-coming funeral service.

my mother-in-law was already very ill when i met her for the first time. i have never known her to be joyful or exuberant. there have been moments when i catch a glimpse of her wry sense of humour, but they are fleeting and far between. and so, there is an enormous part of her personality that i simply did not know.

i spent the better part of the day going through those boxes... picking out pictures that show her to be funny and playful, loving with her children, a child herself... a traveler, a gardener, a mother, a student, a wife, a girl, a beautiful woman, and finally the tired and depleted woman i knew.

as i went through the photos, i asked my husband about many of them... "i never knew my mother when she was fun," he said. "i've never seen her laugh like that, or play like that"... "i don't remember that..."

i wish i had known her when she laughed so hard she almost fell over with the force of it, grasping at her friend's arm to stay upright. i wish my husband remembered her climbing trees with him and playing on the beach with him when he was small.

it makes me wonder when it was that she became the woman we knew, and why? how did that happen? did she miss her younger self, or was she content to be herself as she aged?

26.2

ran a marathon on Sunday... my first ever.

pretty proud of myself.

today i'm happy about...

~ cherry blossoms
~ my new bed
~ oatmeal with honey and walnuts
~ the knowledge that this time tomorrow morning i will be drinking coffee with my mom
~ sunshiny daffodils
~ the hug that my friend Denize drew and sent to me
~ chats with long lost friends
~ large magnolia trees that are hanging on the very edge of blooming, full of promise
~ new friends
~ reaching my fundraising goals for the marathon i'm running on Sunday
~ the beautiful card Brandi made that just slipped through my door
~


... i'm sure there will be more before the day is through

waiting

the day has passed by at a snail's pace, even though we all slept in a little... with the hush of freshly fallen snow outside, it felt nice to stay in bed and just listen to the quiet.

my sweetheart and his father went out to shovel the walkways and scrape the snow off the vehicles... bringing back into the house with them the scent of cold fresh air and snow, if only for a moment.

**

the house smells of decay... that is not entirely unusual, as we often find fruit decaying on the counters when we come to visit, stale laundry and uncleaned bathrooms. i have passed the day much as i always do when we come here. cleaning a little here, doing a little laundry there... trying not to attract too much attention or risk being asked to stop.

**

we've watched some movies and played some cards... i have played the piano for my mother-in-law several times throughout the day, whenever i am alone in the house with her.

she cannot really communicate anymore, though she moans constantly when she is awake. when she does talk she often calls out to her deceased sister... or mumbles prayers in spanish. she does not seem aware of me when i talk to her, and i don't know what more to say.

so i play for her.

**

my sweetheart is watching some Chinese zombie movie in our bedroom... the zombie moans from the tv drift into the living room to accompany the moans coming from her bedroom.

somehow that feels quite alright at the moment.

**

my love and admiration for my husband swells each time i watch him tend to his mother. he washes her and dresses her, helps the nurses to change her soiled bedclothes, soaks a small sponge in water or juice and holds it to her lips so she can moisten her mouth without choking. he is so gentle with her.

he saves his anger and frustration for his father... who is also struggling to find his way through watching his best friend and love disappear before his eyes.

each time she asks for something to drink, hope lights his eyes as if this sip would miraculously put her back on the path to good health. each time she has a moment of lucidity and speaks to him as though she knows him, he makes fresh plans for their common future -- like buying a smaller house up north so it would be easier to care for her and their rental properties -- and then he deflates when she inevitably slips back into the moaning darkness.

**

the house is heavy with decay... no amount of cleaning products or air fresheners can overcome the scent of her body failing, no amount of comforting words or deliberate conversation can lift the atmosphere of sadness and anxious anticipation, no amount of curtains being drawn to let in the sparkling winter light can bring light to heavy hearts.

**

there are moments where i feel like an impostor here. not that i am unwelcome... but that i am not a part of it. in some ways that is true. this family has operated as a complete unit for decades... i have been a part of it for only a couple of years. it is not mine... and my feelings are somehow peripheral. yet her passing will impact my life profoundly. has already impacted my life profoundly...

her illness has created new space into which my relationship with my husband has grown and deepened. for that i am grateful. but it pains me to see the toll it takes on him. i know that i too will live with the manifestations of his grief when she passes. my children will never know their father's mother... and that makes me sad. i know the idea of that makes him sad too.

the fallout of her passing will impact his relationship with his father and sister... at this point, it could just as easily fall on the side of a negative impact as a positive one... for reasons i am only beginning to understand. however their relationships may change, that will define my future relationship with both my father-in-law and sister-in-law (and her family) as well.

coming from a very close family, i cannot help but hope that this brings them closer together... that it helps them to find new ways of understanding and relating to each other. because i long for that closeness... maybe that is just selfish, but there it is.

**

the last time i was here, i lay with her on her bed to watch the inauguration of Barak Obama. she was so excited by the potential for change that he brings. it amazed and humbled me when she held my hand and talked to me about how happy she was that Francisco had met me, how she hoped we would share a long and happy life together... about how happy she was to have lived so see both her children happily married, and to have met her grand daughter.. about how she had always hoped to die in her sleep, but now she was ready to go any time.

and then, without a moment's silence to let that sink in... she commented on how cute the Obama girls were and how she wondered what kind of puppy they would finally choose when they were settled into life in the White House.

**

i am so grateful to have known her.

without wishing her any harm, and because i love her... as i listen to her moan, and look into her bedroom to see her wasted body and gaunt face, i hope that her passing comes very soon.

upping the geek quotient

so... here's a couple blogs that i have found endlessly amusing of late.

Who's More Awesome

The Geeky Chef


they entertain the geek in me...

the geek in my husband, on the other hand, is currently being entertained by Chinese zombie/vampire kung fu movies. i just can't seem to share in that passion with him, for some reason.

not feeling it

i have been struggling with sticking to the spirit of this blog and not simply grizzling and whinging about the trials and tribulations of my little life when the mood strikes me to write. therefore, i haven't been writing.

the intent of the blog was to find those small moments of delight and wonder in daily life, to hold them up to the light to be shared and enjoyed and cherished...

and so, i am being strict with myself and reminding myself to stick to it. if i want to moan and complain about stuff, i should start another blog for that. a dedicated "poor me" blog...

***

the sun was shining this morning when i took the dog out for a walk in the park. he's been staying with us for ten days, and since this is not a poor me blog, i won't tell you all the ways in which having him stay has been difficult. instead, i shall tell you that he's been good company and now that he has gone home i will miss him.

having a puppy around means that i have been going for long walks every day. this is good for my mental health. and, it has resulted in me being far less stiff and sore after my weekly long runs than i have been in earlier weeks.

the sun was shining when we went out for our walk this morning. there are snowdrops and crocuses blooming in the gardens at the conservation area a few blocks from here. the daffodils are starting to come up, and the buds on the magnolia trees look like gigantic pussy willows.

having a cute little red dog around is kind of like having a baby... people stop to ooh and aah, they ask how old he is, what kind of dog he is... and occasionally they notice that he has just three legs and remark about the resilience of young creatures... then they wish me a good morning/afternoon/evening and carry on their way. i've talked to more people over the last ten days than i have over the last six months of living here.

it's kinda nice.

***

now that i am running at least 20 miles each week (or more), i am ravenous most of the time. this has led to a burst of creativity in the kitchen.

one can only eat oatmeal with brown sugar so many times... so now i have it with walnuts, raspberries and honey... or peanut butter and mango... or strawberries, sunflower seeds and yogurt.

breakfast eggs are now rarely just eggs, but omelets full of veggies and cheese... or loads of fresh ginger... or feta and fresh mint. i bake bread every week just so we'll have good bread to have with eggs.

a lunch time sandwich is now never just a sandwich... it's a dagwood sandwich, full of cheeses and olives and sweet peppers and crunchy lettuce and hot pickles and stuff falling out the sides.

lunch time salads are salad extravaganzas... full of nuts and cheeses and seeds and herbs and fruit... and they're never small any more.

one can only eat pasta with tomato sauce so many times... now we're having it with sauteed butternut squash, hot chilis, asparagus and toasted pine nuts... or with chunks of feta cheese, garlic, fresh herbs and good olive oil.

we used to have left-overs for lunches... but now if there are left-overs they rarely make it past late evening snack time.

my sweetheart keeps telling me i'm spoiling him. but the truth is i'm being good to me. i'm eating like a runner.

that Romeo stuff

when i was a kid and my dad would tease me about boyfriends i shut him up by telling him i was too young for that Romeo stuff...

now i like the Romeo stuff.

so... for the third year in a row, my sweetheart and i will not be spending Valentine's day together... and for the third year in a row, i'm kind of sad about that.

do we need a special day to celebrate our love? no...
do we need to spend pots of money on flowers or chocolates or lingerie or fancy dinners to prove we love each other? no...

but there's just something about being able to take part in the global annual celebration of love... after many years of not having a love to celebrate, there's that little part of me that longs to get in there and revel in the fact that i am finally part of the love club, that i have joined the world of the loved.

(not that i was unloved before... but you get what i mean)

my husband didn't realise until Wednesday that Valentine's day was this coming weekend. he posted a few items for sale on Craig's List... and when he told the guy that wants to come by on Saturday to buy the kayak that he wasn't going to be here, but that i would... the guy wrote back to say he'd get in touch with me, and ps.. did he know that Saturday was Valentine's day???

(fortunately for me, he can't forget my birthday 'cos it's the day after his...)

he told me last night that he was sorry we weren't going to be together on Valentine's day... so we agreed that we would have a lovely romantic dinner together one night next week. and when i walked him out to the truck as he was leaving this evening, he held me extra close and kissed me extra long and called me his Valentine.

and so, in spite of the fact that once again we won't be celebrating our love together on the 14th... i feel like in talking about it we've been celebrating it for the past three days. i've been basking in the glow of love.

and i like it.

this hungry heart will not subside

... soon as you start to make room for the parts that aren't you it gets harder to bloom ...

i wasn't a fan until last night. i mean, i liked the couple songs that i had heard played on the radio, but not enough that i would go out of my way to buy an album or plan to get tickets to see her show. but my friend Sarah asked us to go with her, and we'd been talking about how we needed to get out of the house and "do stuff" more often. so, we said would, and then completely forgot about it until Sarah called yesterday afternoon to set up a time to meet at the club last night.

the concert was in a funky little club called the birchmere, which you would never stumble across by accident unless you lived in the neighbourhood. the set up isn't ideal for actually seeing the performance, but it is a very intimate venue... and ideal for an acoustic concert.

so i didn't see much... but her voice ripped out powerful and beautiful. her humour was... shockingly rude... not what you'd expect from this sweet looking young woman. at least, i'm sure it was shocking for the mother of two little girls who were sitting a couple tables over from us. the band plays well together, laughs well together, makes music well together... and as i listened to her lyrics for the first time ever, i realised i really do like her stuff.

i like Sara Bareilles... there, i've said it.

we bought her album after the concert, and i'm listening to it as i type. it's good. but not as good as her live show. so, if you're sitting on the fence over whether or not to go out to see her perform... do it, because she's better in person.

random

I've been tagged, and tagged, and tagged again... I've been tagged so many times now that I feel a certain responsibility to pony-up with 25 random things about me that people may or may not know or find interesting.

plus, I'm procrastinating and this will distract me from what i really should be doing for some time.... so, thank you.

***

25 Random things about me...

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. Then you're supposed to tag 25 people to do the same. But I'm not going to do that.


***

1. I don't really consider myself to be terribly athletic, but i find myself drawn to endurance sports.
2. My greatest weakness is cheese.
3. I met my husband online (and still have a hard time saying those words out loud when asked how we met).
4. Even though I used to get annoyed by her tagging along when we were little, my sister is my best friend.
5. I'm getting "crafty" in my old age, but kind of old fashioned crafty. Learning to knit and bake bread, that sort of thing...
6. My most affectionate friend in the USA (aside from my husband) is a three legged dog named Bailey.
7. Even though most people who know me don't believe it, I have always been painfully shy... I've just gotten better and better at hiding it.
8. I have never owned a motorized vehicle (car/truck/scooter/motorbike).

9. I love the taste of coffee, but I can't drink it too often as it makes me go kind of squirrelly (agitated, scatter-brained, fidgety, etc).
10. My favourite article of clothing is the orange scarf that I bought with my friend Christoforos in a funky little coffee shop/boutique in Paris.
11. I"m a little bit afraid of drowning.
12. Without my contact lenses, I cannot focus on anything more than a couple inches past the end of my own nose.
13. I have five brothers and one sister.
14. I am an Aries. People who know about these things say that I most certainly am an Aries.. I don't really know what that means.
15. I've tried haggis (more than once!), and liked it.
16. I am fascinated by bees and bee-keeping. I think I'm going to give it a try some day when I own land.
17. I know how to make a comet, and a volcano... in my kitchen. And on purpose.
18. My prize possession is a tattered and slightly moldy copy of Dennis Lee's "Alligator Pie" given to me by my grandparents for my fifth birthday.
19. My favourite flavour of ice cream is Tiger (which is a delightful combination of black licorice and orange)
20. I feel most alive in the mountains. But it seems I am a bit of a mountain snob, as the mountains within driving range from me now don't seem to appease my mountain cravings.
21. In the past I have dyed my hair red, blue, and blonde. Now that I have a few grey hairs showing through, I am tempted to dye it again, but don't know what colour to choose.
22. My husband is a Sci-Fi movie geek... And he loves kung-fu movies too. I never would have imagined it possible, but I am learning to like them too.
23. No matter how many times I try it, I just don't like beer.
24. I love my nephews to distraction, and am looking forward to the day when I have kids of my own.
25. I'm glad this is done now.

i think i overwhelmed myself...

i've found it very hard to get myself motivated to complete the Mondo Beyondo... and so i've been avoiding my own blog.

so, i'm going to put that idea on a shelf, and come back to it when i'm ready.

***

i'm listening to some lovely music from the Beyman Bros new album "Memories of Summer as a Child." it's very peaceful.

***

i've been busy with fundraising for my upcoming marathon (aka trying to sell obscene amounts of donuts)... and training for it. it feels good to be active, and to be meeting people.

want to know the caloric breakdown of America's favourite donut? you'd be suprised to know that more people were willing to buy a box of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts when they heard that each one was just 200 calories each. or maybe you won't be surprised.

***

i went snowboarding in Pennsylvania yesterday, for the first time in a couple of years. i missed my girl friends tremendously... but, it was wonderful to be out in the spring-like conditions... sunny, blue skies, warm... and snowboarding :-)

***

Mondo Beyondo 2009 (my thanks to Andrea)

I've been doing a little internal housekeeping lately. Trying to work through some stuff, trying to throw out some insecurities, trying to draw in some motivation and inspiration and find some joy... and today, huzzah! Online inspiration strikes at the Superhero Journal, and it is called Mondo Beyondo. You can check it out here to get the full explanation.

In essence the creator of Mondo Beyondo says the surest way to start fresh and move forward is to be at peace with what came before. You might have had an incredible year, a dull year, or a truly difficult year. Whatever happened, the aim is to celebrate what there is to celebrate about it and grieve what there is to grieve... Then start the new year off by declaring what you want to draw into your life and let those items entice you into action.

Mondo Beyondo challenges you to answer the following questions and declare the year, in this case 2008, complete.

1. What do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2008?
(What did you create? What challenges did you face with courage and strength? What promises to yourself did you keep? What brave choices did you make? What are you proud of?)

2. What is there to grieve about 2008?
(What was disappointing? What was scary? What was hard? What can you forgive yourself for?)

3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete?

The next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2008 complete!"
How do you feel? If you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...


The final step is to consider your primary focus for the year to come. What is your primary intention or theme for 2009? Is it the year of joy? the year of self-care? the year of partnership?

Stand up and say it proud, "2009 is my year of...."


It's basically a way to put the past year behind you and move on with the new one. I know it's already coming up on the end of January but better late than never. I'm going to think on my answers to those questions and my list of intentions for the year to come over the weekend (or maybe a little longer if I get nervous about posting them here..) but thought I'd leave you with the questions in case you might like to do it too.

a few observations of late...

it snowed in NJ on Saturday night. this made for a beautiful run on Sunday morning... the trees all lacy white and sparkling in the sun, the scrunch scrunch of the snow underfoot, the happy scarlet cardinals flitting from branch to branch.

not so lovely... the large and muddy trucks, perched high above their own wheels, roaring up and down the roads (such that their hand done camouflage paint jobs were rendered ineffective... there would be no sneaking up on anything in those babies!)

***

i watched the inauguration of Barak Obama stretched out on my mother-in-law's bed... she called me into her room at about 11am, interrupting my attempt to rescue her desiccated houseplants. so we watched together, commenting on this and that, remarking about the crowds and the good weather, and how sweet the Obama kids look....

she reached over and held my hand... and fell asleep before he finished his speech.

***

my husband has inherited his parents' tendency to accumulate "stuff." their house is full of clutter and bits and pieces and boxes and bursting closets... it annoys him when he goes there, all that stuff that they will never use.

each time we come home he looks around our place, sighs, and says something along the lines of "i'm just like them..." and he does his best to thin out his stuff.

i've come to realise that i too am a stuff hoarder. i had to get rid of a lot of stuff when i was packing up my life to move here. but i still have stuff.

i'm just better at putting it away (aka hiding it) than he is.

***

i'm thinking i've found a new project

my friend David took these pictures whilst on holidays in Rome...


i think they're hilarious.... who ever decided horses need ear warmers? and in Rome? it hardly gets cold there!

now here, here it gets cold (though not like it does back home in Canada.)


so, since i have mastered the art of making scarves (i made six as Christmas gifts), and am in need of a new project... i'm going to try to make these.





i don't know anyone who has horses who might need these, so if you do, please let me know. i will happily send them on to some horse who could use them.

am now off to search the net for estimates on horse ear circumferences and forehead sizes.













Post Script:
Looks like I missed the boat on this one... in looking for horse ear sizes, look what came up near the top of the list. A whole website dedicated to horse bonnets... sigh.




i'm still going to try to make one, just for kicks.

all day trying

~

i lost my baby a year ago today.

i've spent all day trying not to be sad.

i am sad.

so i'm going to bed.

~

collecting

my house smells like clean laundry again... but that's not what i'm here to tell you.

on the way to do other household necessity stuff (like banking and grocery shopping) this evening, we happened by a comic store. and my sweetheart decided we needed to go in to get some idea what his "collection" might be worth.

the store stank of stale cigarette smoke (that can't be good for the value of the priceless artifacts found within the store's reeking walls), boxes of action figures and baseball cards stacked precariously, sleeve upon shiny sleeve of plastic ensconced comic books hung from the walls... and my sweetheart grew a new persona.

at least, it was new to me... he was suddenly collector-guy, talking shop, cracking jokes about such-and-such comic #94, and moaning over the recent early demise of an artist whose work he admired.

when the shop owner realised that i was not taking part, he tried to draw me into the conversation by asking what i collected, saying something along the lines of everybody collects something... maybe dolls or something?

and so i have been trying to think if i ever truly collected anything. not just had a few items of something that accumulated over time because people noticed you had one and thought you might like another for your collection... but something i was passionate about, that i loved so much i had to have more.

maybe i did, at one time... i know i had some cow stuff for a while, but it seems to me that i kind of said once that i liked cows and then they were rained upon me. but i don't remember ever having my special collection of something precious.

all the things i can think of that i ever deliberately accumulated were things to be used. i don't remember ever buying something that i loved and then putting it away so that the sunlight wouldn't damage it, or dirty fingers decrease it's value.

maybe i'm just not a collector.

but then, i suppose i could find a few things that i have collected and put away somewhere safe, where nothing could touch them... old loves, old losses, old wounds, old memories.

i wonder if anyone would want them, if i were to take them out of their time-proof protective covers and put them on auction to the highest bidder.

follow your nose...

as you walk through our little apartment, you can smell the fruits of my housewifely labours of the day...

~ at the front door, the living room is lightly lemon Pledge scented following the first trip round the house with the duster this year.
~ approaching the kitchen the air is filled with the aroma of the hot apples, cinnamon, toasted oats and walnuts of a baking apple crisp.
~ stroll by the bathroom and you'll notice a hint of pine scented cleaning products.
~ the spare bedroom is fragrant with drying laundry, which smells curiously of geraniums (reminds me of my Nan's Boots bubble bath).

i hardly know which room to hang out in, inhaling...

could be that i need to get out more.

caramel at heart

an old friend of my sweetheart's family recently sent me her flan recipe. every time she visits my in-laws she either brings a flan, or makes one on the premises. my sweetheart loves flan, and so i asked her to give us the recipe.

english is not her first language, however... and spanish is not mine. so, i asked my husband to translate it for me. he was doing his homework, so he simply directed me to the babelfish website and this is how the translation came out:

I VARY THE AMOUNTS OF SUGAR MAINLY. THE BEST THING IS TO BEGIN FOLLOWING THE PRESCRIPTION AND TO BE VARYING IF YOU LIKES LESS CANDY, WITH LESS EGG, ETC.

4 MILK GLASSES
1 SUGAR GLASS
6 EGGS
THE SKIN OF A LEMON OR AN ORANGE.

MILK IS PUT TO BOIL WITH THE SKIN OF THE CITRUS. IN THE CONTAINER WHERE WE ARE GOING TO DO THE FLAN WE PUT ONE OR TWO SPOONFULS OF SUGAR WE WARMED UP AND IT MOVING IT WITH CARE, UNTIL ONE BECOMES CARAMEL OF THE CONTAINER AT HEART. THIS IS NECESSARY TO MAKE IT WITH WELL-TAKEN CARE OF NOT BURNING ITSELF WHEN DOING IT. IN PARALLEL BAT IN A BOWL THE SUGAR AND THE EGGS. WHEN MILK HAS BOILED, IT IS GOTTEN UP, CLEARING THE SKIN OF THE ORANGE OR THE LEMON, AND IT IS MIXED WELL. ONE LIES DOWN TO THE CONTAINER WITH CARE, AND THIS MARIA IS PLACED TO THE BATH: HOT WATER IN A PACKAGE IN WHICH THE FLANERA FITS. IT IS PLACED WITHIN THE FURNACE, PREVIOUSLY WARMED UP TO 350 DEGREES DURING 35 MINUTES.

ALSO IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE ADDED WHEN BEATING EGGS AND THE SUGAR, ANY TYPE OF FRUIT KIWI, RAISINS, PEACH… ANY TYPE OF FRUIT IS VERY PLEASANT.

ALTHOUGH IT SEEMS COMPLICATED, IS VERY SIMPLE TO DO. ONLY IT IS NECESSARY JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PRACTICES. I WOULD ADVISE THAT YOU BEGAN MAKING A FLAN WITH HALF OF AMOUNTS, 2 MILK GLASSES, SUGAR AVERAGE, 3 EGGS…




it's a cold and rainy day here, and so my goal for the day is to warm myself up and keep myself moving with care until i too become caramel at heart.

home... sigh, bliss.

~ the scent of incense drifting down the hall while my husband meditates (my favourites are the particularly resinous kind that smell like a pine forest on a hot summer's day)

~ crisp clean sheets on our ever-so-comfortable bed

~ photos of my nephews smiling at me from the top of the piano

~ the houseplants my husband neglected while i was away

~ my books!

~ our beautiful red dresser full of clothes (i had only planned to be gone for two days, and by day nine i was pretty sick of my two t-shirts, one sweater, one pair of cargo pants and one pair of running tights)

~ good peanut butter

~ my knitting, which i really should have taken with me and missed much more than i would have imagined



i'm happy to be home.

life in the fast lane

five lanes of dense traffic flying about at high speeds makes me tense. at least, it does when i'm driving. watching a big transport truck rear-end a little honda civic also makes me feel a little anxious when i see one on my rear bumper... people here drive way too close together for the speeds they go. i was doing 70 miles per hour -- which is over the speed limit, i might add-- and pretty near everyone was whipping by me.

wouldn't want to be rollerblading along these highways, like i did in Jasper.

*

i'm very happy to be home, tucked into my own bed with my sweetheart laying next to me... as much as i enjoy my time with the in-laws, it is a little exhausting.