put on your big hats & sunscreen, people...

yeah, i never thought it would be me either...

things i'm happy about today

~ i have a job. yes, you read correctly!! i. have. a. job! it started on Monday, and even though i still don't really know what i do, i'll figure it out... and i'm thankful for it.

~ as usual, i'm happy that my sweet girl is curled up on the couch beside me, snoring gently as i type. i wouldn't have minded sleeping in the morning, but how would she know i didn't have to get up for work at 5:30, like i have for the last five days? she just thinks this is our new schedule! so we've enjoyed a nice long snuggle, a chase about the back yard, breakfast, and now some digestive lounging on the couch.

~ it's raining out, so i don't need to feel badly about lounging and not get right to mowing the lawn and moving that pile of earth in the drive into the new vegetable beds.

~ my dad called to say he and my mom are looking into flights to come visit for a week next month. too bad i'll have to work while they're here!! but, yay!! i have a job!! i am so hoping they can come down.

start with the world in your head

here, but not here

i haven't been here in a while, except that i have been... i haven't written anything in quite some time, but i come by here every few days or so with the intention of writing, and leave again without posting. i just don't feel particularly verbose these days.

so i'll share a little bit of the things going on in my life since last i wrote, via photos... hanging out with my girl, with friends, in museums, in restaurants, in the rain in New York, eating good food, making good food, making coffee cozies....

 

 

things i'm loving today...

it's quiet around the house this morning... my sweetheart has yet to come home from night shift, my girl had the barfs this morning and though it did not stop her from enjoying her breakfast she took herself back to bed immediately afterward.

since that means i have not had to quickly dress and take her outside to play for a while, as we usually do... i've had some time to do a little reading, catching up on friends' blogs and such.

and now, it's time for a quiet moment of gratitude before i start the laundry and dishes and the myriad of other daily things i do...

here's a little list of things i'm loving (and grateful for) today:

~ my sweetheart has decided it's time for him to get in shape, so he got a gym membership... for both of us. and for the last couple of days we have spent an hour or more sweating it out together. last night as i was making dinner and he was getting ready for work, we were both groaning and laughing about sore body parts. i am grateful for all of this. not only will it make us both physically healthier, but being active together creates space for new growth in our relationship.

~ in spite of her occasional upset stomach and the tumbleweeds of hair that i cannot keep up with even if i vacuum every day... i just love my dog. when i walk in the front door and that little tail is wagging at a million miles an hour, how could i not feel joy? when she carefully and deliberately curls herself up on the couch just so... with her face pressed against me, how could my heart not just melt a little? when we go for a walk and there's snow on the ground and she leaps and frisks and snorts with pleasure, how could i not also feel engaged and awake and in love with the world around me?

~ the hawk is back... s/he spent all afternoon yesterday screeching and circling around the neighbourhood. the trees around our yard still seem to be a favourite location. so far, it appears to be just one... but with luck there will be a nesting pair here in the spring.

~ i have new shoes. i'm not really someone who gets excited about clothes and accessories and such. don't get me wrong, i'm always happy to have something new and pretty, but it doesn't excite me to go shopping. in fact, i usually dread shopping for clothes. i have one of those bodies where if it fits in one place it is inevitably too small or too large in another... which makes me feel crappy about myself. but shoes??? i love shoes. you're probably nodding your head and thinking, what girl doesn't love shoes? but, the kind of shoes i'm talking about wouldn't likely give most girls a thrill. i can't wear heels, as i broke my foot when i was 14, and it just doesn't bend that way. but, i went in looking for a new pair of trail shoes... you know, that kind that are good for easy hiking or running on trails. and found a pair of sexy dark grey & cherry ones :) and some new caramel coloured Clarks slip-ons.

my feet are so happy.

~ i stopped at the library the other day, on my way to pick my sweetheart up from work. i only had a few minutes to run in, find something i might want to read, and run out... so i picked up To Kill A Mockingbird, which i hadn't read in years. i cozied up in bed with it last night, and read til i couldn't keep my eyes open. i love nights like that. and i love that book.

~ i found these awesome snacks at World Market the other day. i am a three solid meals a day kind of girl, though i will snack if the meals get spread out too far apart, or if i'm really active. but my sweetheart could happily skip breakfast, often forgets about lunch... and then grazes from mid afternoon until midnight. sometimes he wakes up in the night to have a snack. his preference being cookies. i always try to keep them at least somewhat healthy (ie oatmeal cookies) but, in his new zest for getting back in shape, i've been instructed to stop buying sweet snacks. so, back to World Market....

i found these little bite sized crunchy sunflower seed snacks called Somersaults. they are delicious and satisfying, low in sugar, high in fibre and protein... and we both love them. win/win.

laundry calls... hope you all have a lovely day.

nice talk

i once excerpted a bit of a running blog that i had found, and then couldn't find again... i loved the gentle message, and the running connection, and was sad to not be able to make my way back to it.

GOOD NEWS!!! i've found it again...

and the first post was once again just what i needed to hear. so i am going to excerpt if for your reading pleasure here, in case it is something you need to hear too.

and, so that i will be able to find it again any time that i like!!

... Dawn started talking first with a series of disclaimers that sounded like a medical ad on television. She told Dean that she hadn't practiced yoga in years, and was tight and inflexible.  She explained that she was a runner and a tennis player, not a yogi. She mentioned having tight hamstrings and shoulder issues. (This product may cause dizziness, shortness of breath, loose stools, depression, even death. If you experience any of these symptoms, see your doctor immediately.) I watched Dean's face as she spoke, knowing all her caveats and exemptions were fluttering to the ground around him, not sticking at all.

"Well," he said, studying her.

Dean paused here. You should know he is completely comfortable with pauses.

"The first thing we are going to work on is the way you talk about yourself. Your word selection. Tight. Inflexible. Inexperienced. We need to help you choose some new words and new phrasing. Your hip and your shoulder don't want to be called tight, they just want some love, that's all. How about this instead: I am learning. I am opening up. I am becoming more flexible. I am giving these places some much needed attention. Better, yes?"

Yes. Much better.

...

I ruminated on Dean's chastisement/encouragement to talk nicely to ourselves, to choose words with care and intent. I decided to be more mindful of how I talk to and about myself, and pay extra attention to the way my children talk about themselves. That night during homework Isabelle declared herself, "not good at math." Gulp. PAUSE. We talked through that one and I used Dean's example to help her empower herself with a new definition.

...

A perfect opportunity arose for myself the following morning... On set three, the voices started in my head. You're fading. What are you doing? You can't keep up with Paige at track, silly girl. Rein it in, dial it back so you have something left. You should have had more breakfast. You shouldn't have taken a Benadryl last night. You aren't built for speed. You are a writer who runs, that's all. You this. You that. Wah-wah-wah

...gloved fingers in ears, I drowned out the group pace chatter like a child who doesn't want to hear a grownup. A second of silence as we reset our watches, then Gilbert said, "Run how you feel, that's all."

And that was his gift to me. He effectively silenced the voices in my head and tuned me into my heart instead. My heart said, "It doesn't matter if you can dothis or not, but you can be this. Now run." And I ran like a child. 

...

Can you think with me for a second about what we could really do if we stopped telling ourselves that we couldn't? If we changed old habits of self talk, and rephrased our way to victory? I challenge you to listen to the way you describe yourself, out loud and in your head. Stop yourself mid-sentence if you have to, back up, and restate your claim. Words are powerful. Trust me on that–I am a writer who runs.

And a runner who writes

http://milemarkers.runnersworld.com/2011/01/talk-nice.html

that is a lesson i could certainly benefit from.

it's time to talk nicer to myself.

she likes to keep up on world news

caught her on the couch this afternoon, watching the protests in Cairo....

dedication to me...

i'm taking this online course, the Mondo Beyondo Dream Lab... and today's assignment is to choose a childhood photo of myself, and dedicate a song to that vulnerable and tender part of myself that is finding its way on the path to living life whole-heartedly...

the song i'd like to dedicate to myself is Stan Rogers "Northwest Passage"... for a couple of reasons. first, because it is a song that i have always loved, by an artist i have always loved. second, because it speaks to the explorer in us all, braving the unknown, finding our own path... and finally, because as the song says, in the end we're all just finding our way back home again. the home that resides within us, our whole heart.

these photos were both taken when i was about six. i'm the one on the left in both of them ;)




 braving the roaring Fraser with my dad, brother and sister...










and building teepees and having adventures with my brother...

back when i was still a fearless explorer.









~


Northwest Passage, by Stan Rogers

Ah, for just one time I would take the Northwest Passage
To find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea;
Tracing one warm line through a land so wild and savage
And make a Northwest Passage to the sea.
Westward from the Davis Strait 'tis there 'twas said to lie
The sea route to the Orient for which so many died;
Seeking gold and glory, leaving weathered, broken bones
And a long-forgotten lonely cairn of stones.
Three centuries thereafter, I take passage overland
In the footsteps of brave Kelso, where his "sea of flowers" began
Watching cities rise before me, then behind me sink again
This tardiest explorer, driving hard across the plain.
And through the night, behind the wheel, the mileage clicking west
I think upon Mackenzie, David Thompson and the rest
Who cracked the mountain ramparts and did show a path for me
To race the roaring Fraser to the sea.
How then am I so different from the first men through this way?
Like them, I left a settled life, I threw it all away.
To seek a Northwest Passage at the call of many men
To find there but the road back home again.

validation

a little film about validation... about how even if we don't recognize it in ourselves, we long to be recognized, acknowledged, appreciated... validated.

and about the powerful effect of a kind word or two...

the first six minutes or so is the part that resonated most for me...

someone else's words... again

it seems i'm on a "quote other people who have interesting things to say" kick.... not because i have nothing to say, but because they just say it so much better than i do!!


“When you begin to touch your heart, you begin to discover that it’s bottomless, that it doesn’t have any resolution, that this heart is huge, vast, and limitless…And if you follow your heart, you’re going to find that it is often extremely inconvenient…Get used to the feeling of falling.”   ~Pema Chodron~


there have been times in my life when i've felt that vastness of heart, and times when i've let my heart close up shop, become tight and pinched and folded in upon itself. the vastness comes when i am actively open and vulnerable... scary stuff. the tightness comes when i am protecting myself. strange thing is, protecting is instinctual and painful. openness is terrifying at times, but also exhilarating and joyful.


so, why do i perpetually find myself coming back to clenched and defensive when it feels so much better to be open-hearted and falling??   

time to pull down some walls

 “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you built against it.” –Rumi

words of wisdom from Benjamin Button...

okay, so i don't know who wrote the screenplay for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (though i suppose if i were really wondering hard, i could google it...) but if i did i'd like to thank him/her for the following message. it came to me at just the right time.


“ For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

painting myself a donkey

How to Paint a Donkey
By Naomi Shihab Nye
She said the head was too large,
the hooves too small.
I could clean my paintbrush
but I couldn’t get rid of that voice.
While they watched,
I crumpled him,
let his blue body stain my hand,
I cried when he hit the can.
She smiled. I could try again.
Maybe this is what I unfold in the dark,
deciding for the rest of my life,
that donkey was just the right size.


My donkey is the right size... it's that fucking voice that is too big.

I'm working on getting it to use it's inside voice (for now), until I can figure out how to get it to stop altogether.

calling my heart's desires for 2011

in spite of a few beautiful memories, this has been a tough year. and so, i don't think i'll be sorry to see you go, 2010...

several times over the last few weeks people and books and movies have suggested/reinforced the idea that one has to put ones' hopes and goals out into the universe in order to attract what one wishes to have manifest in the coming year... in life in general, really.

and so, here's my little wish list for 2011... call it my "to do" list, my "bucket list" for 2011... call it "dream a little dream"... call it what you will, these are things that i hope will come into my life this year:

• a job. preferably one that is soul satisfying, but i'm not too fussy at this point.
• a car. doesn't have to be new and shiny, i'm just longing for greater mobility in my life... 
• a little self-acceptance. i haven't been feeling overly thrilled with myself this year. i need to work on that.
• babies. okay, so... this doesn't have to happen in 2011 exactly. but in this life time would be great. preferably while i'm still young and healthy enough to enjoy them. also, doesn't have to be plural all at once.

that's it. short and sweet...

my girl

thanks...

it's Thanksgiving here in the U. S. of A. and i've got a lot to be thankful for... and so, a list (in no particular order)...

• i am thankful that i got to spend Canadian Thanksgiving in Canada with my family last month
• i am thankful that we'll have friends to share in our Thanksgiving feast here
• i am thankful that my Grandad's cancer treatments are going well
• i am thankful that the on-going saga of screw-ups by the former owner of our home appears to be coming to a close... or at least slowing down considerably!
• i am thankful for the love and support of family and friends
• i am thankful for the cool autumn weather
• i am thankful for my nephews, in particular the safe arrival of the newest one a couple weeks ago
• i am thankful that the toenails that turned purple and threatened to drop off after the Marine Corps Marathon are still hanging on
• i am thankful for the neighbourhood cat who comes over to chat on my front steps every day
• i am thankful for the orange bush blossoming in our meditation room
• i am thankful for my relative good health
• i am thankful for rediscovering old favourites... music, books & friends
• i am thankful my sweetheart, who continues to challenge and support and love me
• i am thankful for all this, and so much more...

eclectic soundtrack to my list of thanks:  Short Skirt/Long Jacket ~ Cake, Groove Is In The Heart ~ Deee-lite,  On My Way ~ Danny Michel, Island In The Sun ~ Weezer, I Don't Know ~ Ryan Bingham, Something Pretty ~ Patrick Park, Hold On Hold On ~ Neko Case, Don't Wait Too Long ~ Madeleine Peyroux, Ya Habibi ~ Alkisti Protopsalti, Waiting For The Miracle ~ Leonard Cohen, Me Gustas Tu ~ Manu Chao, New Shoes ~ Paolo Nutini, Craving (Bollywood Remix) ~ Tatu, Paper Planes ~ M.I.A., La Realite ~ Amadou et Mariam, 52 Pickup ~ Ballistic Mystic

an exercise in futility...

Marine Corps Marathon ... a photoblog

adventures in airport

11:27 am

As a general rule, I like airports… There’s the “love actually” people watching moments, where you see the joyful hellos and the sorrow of goodbyes, and the broad spectrum of public displays of love.

There’s also the excitement of going to a difference place. I’ve always loved that about air travel… You get in, time passes, and when you get out you’re somewhere totally different.  You might see some clouds go by or the sun come up or go down… but unlike road or train travel, you don’t really see the transition from one place to the next. It’s kind of like magic.  You board the plane in the familiar, read your book and snooze a while, and suddenly the landscape has profoundly changed.

Then there is that satisfying sense of being almost home… of knowing that you’ll go out those doors and be back in the familiar once again. That sleeping in your own bed is just a short drive away. That when you get out of the shower you’ll have a whole wardrobe to choose from, and not just those three shirts to choose from.

But there are times when my fondness for airports can wear a little thin. Like the time I was flying across Canada to visit my family for the weekend.  Fly out Friday night, and back Sunday afternoon. Which meant that if all went well, I’d have one solid day of visiting, plus a melancholic morning of knowing I’d have to leave in a few hours… and two nights of not much sleep. Only to get half way across the country, land in the middle of a blizzard and get stuck in the Toronto airport for 18 hours… only to fly home without ever having made it the rest of the way. No visit with the family to make the long hours on the plane and even longer hours in the airport worthwhile.

Or right now. Can’t say that I’m loving the Dulles Airport at this very moment.

Between my volunteer driver oversleeping, and heavy rain that slowed traffic en route to the airport down to a frustrating crawl… I arrived 90 seconds too late to check in for my 6:25am flight. Less than two minutes, and they wouldn’t let me check my bag for the flight. If I’d had no luggage, they would have let me get on.

So, for a fee, they rebooked me on a later flight. One that would get me to my destination just two hours later than planned…That’s not so bad.  So I wrote an e-mail to my friend who was supposed to pick me up at the airport, had a coffee, called my sweetheart at work and chatted for a few minutes… and that hour and a half delay just flew by.

We boarded the plane only to have the airline staff tell us that the seal around the door was leaking water… and if it was leaking water, it may well also leak pressure (and air) while in flight… So they called maintenance to come take a look.

After a while, they told us that we could get off the plane, as they didn’t know how long it was going to take to repair. And then, as more time went by… they started rebooking people who were not going to make their connecting flights. I was one of those people.

By the time I got to the counter, any chance of booking me on an early-ish flight to Edmonton had already come and gone.  My luggage, meanwhile, went on to Cincinnati  (and ultimately, Edmonton) without me.

I’ve been here for five hours now, and have another four to go before I catch the first flight of my third attempt to get to Edmonton today. The muzak that was pleasant enough for 20 minutes while you wait to board is starting to rub my already somewhat frazzled nerves in the wrong direction… You know that feeling when you’ve been wearing a hat that’s a little too tight for a little too long and when you take it off your hair hurts? It’s like that…

12:23 pm

They’ve finally posted the gate for my next flight. It’s not at this terminal. Sigh.

1:47 pm

So, after a another train and a long walk down long and crowded corridors I finally found my gate. Only to be told that I had to go to customer service to get my boarding pass.  I arrived at customer service  mere moments after the crowd of people whose flight to San Francisco had been cancelled. Stood in line for an hour to get my boarding pass printed. And now (*insert  sound of angels here*), I am scheduled to board my flight in about 40 minutes. HUZZAH!!!

3:30 pm

Spoke too soon. Wouldn’t you know it.

Starting to lose my sense of humour now…..

3:50 pm

I’m getting on a plane., hoping it will actually take off. AND really hoping it lands in time for me to make my connecting flight.

Post Script... I arrived in Denver with ten minutes to dash through the airport to make my flight. And arrived in Edmonton 11 hours later than planned.  However, have had a lovely, short but sweet visit with my friend and her new baby... and am now on the bus (with free wi-fi!! a service the Dulles Airport can not match) to Calgary. I'm talking clear and cold outside, rolling farmland and golden fields, and the promise of mountains on the horizon.

Feels great.

joy!