scenes from last night

young girl wonders aloud where my husband is, as they were quite taken with each other when they met last time... about 6 months ago. she tells me she is studying explorers at school and she was reminded of my husband when she started to learn about Francisco Coronado. i tell her he still has the glow-in-the-dark gift that she made for him last time and she blushes with pleasure.

~

young boy makes all his Halloween-themed finger puppets Elvis. Elvis Frankenstein, Elvis Witch, Elvis Devil, Elvis Ghost, Elvis Pumpkinhead... then he had them sing "return to sender" ... awesome.

~

first time volunteer starts doing sketches of witches and werewolves on sheets of construction paper.... kids clamor for them, and proceed to colour them with markers, dab them with glitter glue, bejewel them with sparkly stickers and google eyes... and he goes home with an armful of their "collaborative art."

~

young boy who was extremely difficult to manage at last visit is happy to see me this time around, makes sure we sit together, and tells me jokes all evening, poking me with marker and glue stained fingers to get my attention should it stray from him and him alone...

~

young sisters in pretty dresses with ribbons in their hair turn their finger puppets into creatures from the house of gore with gobs of red glitter glue... and then put on a puppet show of massacre. complete with tissue paper curtains in front of the stage, music before the opening of the performance, and elaborate dying and revival scenes. Pumpkinhead was particularly resilient, and Frankenstein was particularly sensitive and prone to sobbing.

~

there's nothing quite like spending time with children at the Life With Cancer Family Center

back to finding bliss..

i'm going to a two day conference this week, hosted by the Mind Life Institute and featuring the His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.... a conference called Educating World Citizens for the 21st Century.

i'm going for many reasons.... one, because how times in my life will i have the chance to be in the same room as the Dalai Lama?? two, because educating world citizens is kind of what my recently completed degree was all about.... and three, because i'm still looking for my bliss and i'm hoping these two days of mental stimulation might fire some neurons in the direction of bliss, and also maybe i'll meet some interesting people who are looking for interesting (and interested) people to hire...

wish me luck?

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. ~ Howard Thurman

7 types of peace

I've been thinking a lot lately about finding my place here... both in terms of my psychological space here, feelings of belonging and community, the richness of participating in a society through employment and social action, etc... and then also literally, in buying a home.

Because I don't feel that I have found my place, I have been struggling with feeling ungrounded, adrift, lost, without purpose, unsettled... and definitely not at peace with myself. So, I was doing a little reading online today about finding peace and came across this interesting perspective on the various kinds of peace.

Believe me, I'm familiar with the different concepts of peace in the formal literature of Peace Studies... that is my so-called area of expertise after all... but this was somewhat new and surprising. Something in it is resonating, and I'm not entirely certain what it is, or why it makes me feel somehow more at peace with myself for having read it. But, it did... and so I post it here for you.

Thoughts? Feelings? Debate?

excerpted from : http://www.brazzil.com/info/186-december-2007/10022.html

The Aymara people, who for centuries have lived around Lake Titicaca in the Andes, defend the principle of seven different types of peace. The first is inner peace. Peace with yourself through the health of your body, the clarity of your mind, the pleasure of your work, the reciprocity of your loves. Without peace with yourself, you are not at peace.

The second is directed upward. Peace with the spirits of your ancestors, with the will of God. If you are not at peace with the supernatural, spiritual world, with the metaphysics of your existence, your peace is incomplete.

The third is directed forward: peace with your past. The arrogant Western culture puts the past behind it. The Aymara put the past in front of them because it is the known, the seen, the lived. If you are remorseful, have unpaid debts, guilt, regret, you are not totally at peace.

The fourth is directed backward: peace with your future. Anyone who is afraid of what is to come, is frightened of debts to pay, of uncertain employment, or is expecting bad news is not at peace.

The fifth is directed towards the left: peace with those nearby. Without peace in the family, there is nopeace. Domestic quarrels, discontent with family members and close friends, take away the feeling ofpeace.

The sixth is directed towards the right: peace with your neighbors. Peace at home serves no purpose if, on the other side of the street, there is menace, malediction, discontent.

The final peace is directed downward: peace with the earth that you tread upon, the source of your sustenance. If a tempest comes, if the soil dries out or trembles, there will be no complete peace.

I wish each reader these seven types of peace based upon the wisdom of the Aymara. But I also hope that, besides the seven forms of peace, you have plans to make them. Of the seven, five depend only upon you and your family, your introspection, your spirituality, your friendships.

But two of them, those directed to the right and downward, depend upon your sociopolitical action. They depend upon struggle.

In today's global word, all human beings are your neighbors, beginning with those of your own country.

The peace of each human being depends upon every other human being's wellbeing, peace without hunger or violence. If we want complete peace, therefore, we have to act to achieve it. Your right-side peace will not be complete until all human beings have the same chance in life.

It is likewise necessary to include in your plans the struggle to protect nature, the beginning of the revolution for sustainable development. Without this, you will not have the peace directed downward, with Mother Earth. Nor will you guarantee the same chance to all generations, leaving future human beings without access to the same legacy of nature.

These two plans of struggle are needed to achieve peace with the Earth and with humanity. Without them, you will not have the other five forms of peace either. It is impossible to have peace while there are children without schooling or while there is destruction of the Amazon.

How can you not feel remorse while knowing that we have already lost five centuries of history? How can you have peace with the future while knowing that we are tearing our country and the world to pieces? And how can you have peace with the family when your children and grandchildren are asking what you did to prevent the tragedy?

I wish you all the seven types of peace and hope that you will struggle for your right to them... Because peace does not just happen, peace is made.

today i'm grateful for...

~ lengthy telephone calls with old friends

~ the sight of falling leaves, heralding the imminent arrival of autumn (even if it still feels like summer out there)

~ the arrival of my custom made-to-fit-my-unusual-engagement-ring wedding band, direct from Nova Scotia's south shore... from the studio of Allyson Simmie

~ fresh pomegranates

~ my husband's excitement at the prospect of buying a house... which i find rather overwhelming (buying a house, not my husband's excitement)

~ sunlit afternoons in the ball park with friends (too bad the Nats lost... again)

~ just barely making the deferral deadline for Marine Corps Marathon (which I will now run next year, due to recent injury)

~ supportive teammates

~

can it really be a whole year already?

it was our one year wedding anniversary on Saturday.

hard to believe that a whole year has gone by so fast.

it's been a big year. lots of life lessons, lots of learning about ourselves and each other, lots of growth, and lots of love...

we had a very romantic dinner wherein i drank way too much wine (because he was driving), followed by a very romantic stroll about Old Town Alexandria...

i'd like to say it was followed by some romantic snuggling once we got home, but i had drank too much and he was knackered having come off night shift and not getting much sleep... so it was followed by some serious snoozing...

and that was followed by some romantic snuggling in the morning :)

torti-wha?

so, after five days of nursing a painfully stiff and sore neck, i went to see the doctor today. aside from the fact that it really hurt and made simple things like tilting my head back to drink from a glass or checking my blindspot while changing lanes on the freeway really difficult.... i wasn't really worried.

until i got to the hospital and they started doing tests for meningitis.

then i got worried. i've lost loved ones (okay, just one) to meningitis. i don't want to lose me to meningitis....

fortunately, after two very anxious hours, it turns out that i don't have meningitis after all... i have torticollis.

torti-what? i say.... and the doc says "sign here for your narcotics" and sends me home.

so here i lay, on the couch... with heating pad under my sore head... waiting for 10:00 to roll around so i can pick my husband up from work... and then drift off into a stupor of painkillers and muscle relaxants...

wheeee!

(can't wait!!!!)

photo blog

i had to buy a "new" suitcase to bring it all home...

celebrating the fact...

today i am celebrating.

nothing major. nothing terribly exciting. but if it comes down to it and i decide to find things to celebrate in my life... there are certainly things to be celebrated.

so here goes:

i am celebrating the fact that i'm wearing long pants today. you may find this a strange thing to celebrate, but given the fact that i have spent most of the last three weeks wearing as little as i can possible get away with in public situations, and still felt cranky and miserable (and melty!) in the heat... being comfortable in cargo pants and a t-shirt is cause for celebration.

i'm celebrating the fact that my sweetheart is happy in his new job. not just okay with it. not just counting the days til his weekend. not just enjoying the change after 20 years in his last job.... he's happy. he looks forward to going back after his days off.

i'm celebrating the fact that i have inherited a shitload more yarn (working on your scarf, Wiggs!)... this time from my grandmother, who is no longer around to use it. i might find it hard to give away the items i make from it, but for the moment there's enough here for me to make a pile on the floor and roll around in it. i'm not sure my grandmother would approve, but i'm sure she would appreciate the pleasure it gives me to feel so close to her when i'm surrounded by her things.

i'm celebrating the fact that i am blessed with lovely people in my life... great friends and family that i love, and that love me.... even if they are scattered about the planet.

i'm celebrating the fact that i'm going to find a great job. someday.

and just like waiting for the great guy, it will be worth the wait in the end.

i'm celebrating the fact that i have almost completed fundraising for my upcoming marathon... and i'm celebrating the fact that i am capable of running it. (sixteen mile training run tomorrow morning, folks!)

i'm celebrating the fact that my coffee turned out just right, my toast is crispy and fragrant, and i have the time to relax and enjoy them.

follow my bliss...

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....


peaceful? yes...

soothing? yes...

blissful? not quite...




follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

tempting!!!!
momentarily rapture... but not bliss.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

Oh blissful moments... but not mine to keep.

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

FUN!!

but not bliss exactly

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

JOY!

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

CONTENTMENT

follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....




NOSTALGIA





follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss....

LOVE












all wonderful things for which i am truly grateful... but they say that to find one's path in life (and by path i mean purpose and by purpose i mean job....), one must follow one's bliss.

and so, i seek to follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, mutter mutter, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, follow my bliss, where the hell is my bloody bliss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???

I'm going to find it one of these days.

today's a crying sort of day...

today is one of those days were it seems pretty much everything is destined to set me off...

walk out the front door and it is 80 degrees and so humid that it feels like i just stepped into a steamy sauna... and i'm so overwhelmed and depressed by the heat that i cry (and put off my morning run).

no matter how i bend or twist the power cord for my laptop, it's just not going to light up for me... so i curse in frustration and then i cry.

husband is thrown off when i ask if i can have the truck for the day, five minutes before he's scheduled to leave for work, and he gets a little snappy... and i tear up a little.

husband brings my hand to his lips by way of apology in the truck a few minutes later, and i cry.

new power cord costs twice the upper limit of what i had imagined it might cost to replace the old one... and although i don't cry, i do feel just a little deflated.

letter from the tax-man waiting for me when i get home... seems they've adjusted my claim for me, and i now owe them some money.... more cursing and tears.

fortunately, netflix has delivered so i settle down on the couch for a soothing afternoon of movie watching (procrastinating on the daily job searching)... but wouldn't you know it, the movie was really sad... like, i need to find a box of kleenex sad.

so, to cheer myself up, i went online to look for jobs for a while. i'm once again facing the dilemna of not really knowing how to market myself, inspite of having recently finished my degree... at the moment i'm applying for anything that looks even remotely interesting... no matter what field. sadly, there was nothing inspirational to be found this afternoon. (gloom, gloom, gloom)

gave up on job hunting and read some blogs (insert a few tears here)

dinner time, husband is working weird shifts and isn't home so i'm free to cook whatever i feel like eating... we had fresh corn handy, so i cooked up a couple ears and made a big salad. i'm trying to lose some of the weight i gained over the five weeks of all-day-classes and parties that made up my Canadian vacation.... so instead of eating sweet delicious corn smothered in butter, which is how i like it, i find myself standing over the sink eating sweet boring naked corn and thinking that life just sucks... and crying.

fucking pms.

Rainy Day Photoblog

Farmer's Market

swiss chard


carrots and beets

more beets

fresh bread

almost heaven

i took a little road trip to West Virginia not long ago... with songs of John Denver filling my head in the days prior, i was ready to see a little piece of "almost heaven"

it was a funny little trip. one of the women that i work with goes there regularly as she has family there... and she raves regularly about her favourite thrift shop in W.V. where she finds designer clothes and loads of household stuff at a steal of a deal. another woman from work decided she would go check it out, and i decided to keep her company as i'd never been to W.V. before...

my sweetheart dropped me off at her house at 8:00 on Saturday morning. she is in her late 60's and rather sweet and mild tempered, so i was expecting a rather sweet and mild day with a John Denver soundtrack (at least, in my own head, if not actually...)

the first part of the drive was major highways and heavy-ish traffic... but as the towns turned to rolling farm land, and the rolling hills turned to winding mountain roads ("mountain"... sigh! they're hills, i tell you!) we started to feel as though we were truly on an adventure.

sights along the way:

~ Al's car and saw repair
~ field full (and i mean FULL) of old cars... looked like a party, with no people
~ abandoned gas station claiming cheapest gas around, but no pumps... however, they did have the largest gumball machine i've ever seen, still half full of gumballs
~ dirty faced toddler wearing only a diaper standing akimbo in a dirt driveway, staring out at the road, all by herself

i navigated, she drove... the conversation ebbed and flowed... and during a lull she put on a cd of her grand daughter's choir performance. i know... flinch, right? grit your teeth and plug your ears.... but as the opening notes filled the car, she cranked the stereo up ungodly loud and opened the windows. with the wind in our hair the choir roared out a song straight from the depths of Africa... it made her shrug her shoulders and do a little dance as she drove, it made her drive faster and faster, people turned their heads and stared as we made our way down those West Virginia countries roads.

almost heaven... so much for John Denver in my head.

we had to ask for directions to the thrift shop, but when we found it, it was enormous... boxes of denuded and disheveled barbie dolls, tables of mismatched dishes and moldy books, ... half of the parking lot was filled with old baby strollers, a fair half of the space inside was carseats and bunkbeds, mountains of musty clothes, boxes of old baseball gloves, fifty sets of dusty/rusty crutches propped up against the wall next to a dozen or so pairs of ancient and obsolete skis (perhaps the source of the broken limbs??), shelves of old hair gel and mouthwash....

standing in front of the ball gloves, an octegenarian confronted me, wanting to know if i was planning on playing baseball or doing some boxing.... i told him i was contemplating both, and he regaled me with stories of his boxing career in the military... about teaching some "young pup" how to box, and then having his own nose bloodied every night for weeks by his young protege... swearing he wouldn't stop fighting the boy until he had bloodied his nose in return. one night he knocked him to the ground with one blow to the beak, and still no blood... at which point he told the boy "i don't believe you've got a drop of blood in you!" and refused to fight him again. he gained an audience as he launched into tales of fighting and community dances and "i told him i had a gun too".... and i drifted away.

around the corner, in front of the boxes of old easter eggs and ladies lingerie, another elderly gentlemen accosted me, asking if i was planning on filling my bag today... uncertain whether or not he was store security, i told him i was just plotting my purchases for the moment... ten minutes later he found me trying on pleather jackets and apologised, saying he didn't mean to make me think he was accusing me of shoplifting... just hoping that i would find somethings i'd like....

in the end all i bought was a few yellow tomatoes from a kid selling fresh produce and kittens in the parking lot. my friend bought a rain coat for 50 cents. long way to go for such small purchases.

we stopped on the way home for some bbq and fresh donuts... our biggest purchases of the day.

it was a beautiful drive though... a great Saturday outing :-)

random May e-mails from my mother

my mom writes the best e-mails... they're infrequent, but worth waiting for...

here is a very random selection of e-mails written in the month of May over the last 8 years or so.



May 30, 200?

Subject: tgif??

Hello - its Friday the last day of my holiday week and I have accomplished absolutely nothing that I had on my mental list of THINGS I MUST DO. Bummer dude or what. Its been bloody cold and rainy all week, but I did manage to spend 2 days in my bug suit filling up window boxes and tubs and doing quite a bit of weeding. High point of the week really. Ben is spending the day at home today. He committed a couple of majors this week so he has lost 2 weeks of beloved computer time and was not permitted to go on the school trip today (kicked a kid at school). Much waaaaahhhhh! Am off to do the cleaning stuff that I put off all week - just wanted to say ahola and hows it going cos it does seem like ages since I have. How's Andre? inquiringly yours, mummer xx


May 17, 200?

Subject: N E

My narchemesis (translation: my nephew's version of arch nemesis, which he informs my mother they are...) was here for a great sleepover and now we are on our way to his house for supper - delicious pulled pork a la Catherine. He had a great time wielding the "spatula of destiny|" all morning a long with some serious checker playing - he won every game, who knew? Super news about the flight - you will definitely be met by a raucous cheering section and potentially the aforementioned spatula. love must run xxxxxxxxxxx

May 26, 200?

Subject: Finally

Hi

Please phone soon

We had a lousy time in PG, except for visit with Kelly and Nigel....

Ben and Nigel did a lot of computer car racing - and did you know that one of Ben's favourite cars is a Jeep Cherryoakee - say it out loud, it works better - and also at Scouts on Monday, Ben's troop was playing Old Man and the Sea, a variation on British Bulldog. Ben did not ever get to be the old man and was always a fish - either a starfish or a tampon. Not sure if thats a reflection of increasing water pollution levels or (I suspect) a tarpon.

Please phone. I miss you. kiss kiss Mummer

May 2, 200?

Subject: FIRST MESSAGE ON OUR NEW COMPUTOR COMING YOUR WAY

Greetings Earthling!!!!!!

Ben: You know that old track that I got for Christmas , the race car one, well I managed to put that back together today. Its working great and I'm loving it!!! I'm still working on that cassette for you and Myk too. Also if you want any certain songs on it tell me on the next email. School is going great for me - my teacher's name is Mrs. Younger and she is very nice. I have 12 kids in my class altogether (that is including me)...

Loooooooooooove You ( peck peck peck)

Ben

JEN: okay there you have it - B's first e-note to you...I have finished the dreaded fosterparent bulltweet and although I should feel free and unencumbered I have a lot of Boy Scout BS to sort out. THEN I will feel much better about my organizational self.. Dad is off to Calgary tomorrow, Cath is nearly finished her term (Wednesday I think) and Ben gets his report card on Wed. THE MOMENT OF TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, now that we have christened the new computor I can email (nearly) every day to you - and I will. I'm sorta waiting at this very moment for you to phone so talk to you soon BIGTIMEOHYEAHLOVE mummer

May 8, 200?

Subject: gloom

Hi - quick note - Im feeling a tad eeyoreish today - Ben is having issues at school, its raining and Catherine is snarly that its making things uncomfortable. Are you frantically busy? Feels like I am but I don't really know why. kkiissss mummer

May 17, 200?

Subject: men!

Megs - I am horrendously sorry that I didn't get back to you in a screamin' hurry about the all encompassing issues with MEN. I'm actually at a loss of words and advice to be quite truthful about it all. I put it off for a few days to think about it and then I put it off again as it was virtually the weekend and I thought we could natter it over. Really though I'm a bit of an ostrich about love relationships.. I definitely DO NOT believe that the issue is yours but more that they are the losers. Is it too much to think that we can be admired loved adored cared for because we can think/articulate/act compassionately/haveestrogen moments/ and chew gum at the same time?

I have to say that the guy turned out to be a bit shallow and furtive did he not? What a dweeb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really Megs you have to go with your heart about the baby thing (note: I was not actually having a baby... I had simply been bemoaning my increasing age and continued singledom, and talking about the idea of getting too old to have kids, and maybe I should just plan to have one on my own...). Dad is panicking that I have said that to you - he's thinking of all the negative stuff about paternity custody and family pressures - but I think you are quite aware of what it entails and who you are..

anyways, as that knob Ben says, I am at home today having a bit of a mental health day so if you feel like phoning tonight I'd just love it. My heart is with you mummer xx

rainy day sunday...

laid in bed this morning listening to the rain on the window and decided it would be quite okay to sleep a little longer... lounged a while with coffee and the internet, baked bread, booked a flight home in July, read my new running magazine and contemplated going out for a run, had lunch, watched with great amusement as my husband nerded out with his newly recovered (and now growing) comic book collection...

still thinking about that run.

gotta love rainy sundays.

pretty, pretty, pretty...

drifts of fluffy white, smokey purple-grey, wispy rust orange threads, black-orange-red bobbly chaos, soft fuchsia, brilliant turquoise, bubblegum pink...

when i look out my window this is what i see. this is how i spent my afternoon... unraveling musty balls of yarn, found in my mother-in-law's attic and rescued on my behalf from the 25 cent bin at his father's yard sale by my husband.

my laundry rack now stands outside in the sunshine, neatly festooned with carefully unraveled and even more carefully strung and tied yarn... wool, mohair, silk, acrylic, cotton... you name it, i now have it, airing out in the hot Virginia sun.

not enough of any one colour to make a single large item... no sweaters, for example... but plenty for scarves and hats, socks or mittens too if i'm feeling adventurous this fall.

and even though it is hot, i'm looking forward to getting creative with it... come autumn, when it starts to cool down and the idea of putting on a scarf isn't enough to make one expire from the heat of it all.

on lazy mornings, love and finding home

~

i have been basking in the quiet glow of happiness that comes with a morning of snuggling up to my sweetheart and listening to his heart beat for a while after turning off the alarm because i don't actually have to get up early on my day off, followed by wandering about the house in my pjs with mug of delicious coffee in hand, listening to the radio, contemplating what to have for breakfast when my sweetheart wakes up, and catching up on reading blogs.

all of these are things i enjoyed on a daily basis (pretty much) for the last 7 months of unemployment... i did enjoy them. but now that they are limited due to actually having a job... now, i REALLY enjoy them.

anyway, on to the point of me writing in the first place.

i was reading the latest blog from my friend Fandango, in which he writes about singing and pining, troubadours and knights and sirens, opiates of the masses and finding that moment of harmony.... all about love, really. he likens the search for love to singing, which is a metaphor that i can get down and dance with... he says:

Isn't that why we sing? We put it out there and hope someone will hear. That someone will recognize the tune and sing with us.

... sometimes the tune is familiar. And we sing it and someone sings along in harmony... and it is like... finding home.


the sad thing is that now that i've written about my morning and his blog, i don't really remember what it was that i wanted to say after reading it... maybe i need more coffee. or less coffee, because too much of it makes me rather squirrelly... and that is how my mind is feeling right now, like it's jumping from branch to branch and trying to remember where it buried the nuts.

anyway... it was probably something along the lines of writing about love. i think this because i left a comment on his blog that went kind of like this:

you think that pining is/was reserved for the privileged? ...

then something about serf maidens longing, serf boys dreaming, clean and wealthy noblepersons pining too...

and finishing up with:

love and lust and longing are primordial... heck, even animals pine over their loves lost or unrequited!

but you're right about that moment of harmony, because nothing feels more like home that loving and being loved by the same person at the same time.


i think maybe that last bit is what i was thinking on... yeah, that's it. because i know i'm lucky. i pined over the wrong men, i longed for the wrong life, i dreamed about and worked towards the wrong futures... and i sang a lot of songs, sometimes in tune but mostly not... hoping that one of them would fit...

but now, i'm living in love.... we don't always sing the same song, and when we do we sometimes sound off key... but there is joy in singing together, and in the singing, i am home.

~

il pleut

~

so, after grousing about how stinking hot it was... we've had days and days of rain.

my skin is loving it.

my hair is curly and soft.

i weigh almost twice as much at the end of the day as i do when i leave home in the morning... what with the added water and mud.

**

as i was squelching my way around the garden centre this afternoon, wondering if it were possible to get any wetter, and wondering what i could do to make 5:00 come sooner so i could go home and warm up in a hot bath (which somehow i imagine feels dryer than the slow drip of the rain), and generally feeling kind of sorry for myself.... i caught myself, and deliberately took time to think about things that i was enjoying...

the birds for example... they have been singing their hearts out lately. non-stop serenading from morning to evening. they either love this rain, or their cussing sounds like music to my ears...

and the richness of the colours... the brilliant greens of new growth on the trees and shrubs, the vibrant blossoms and flitting birds...

and did i mention how much my skin is enjoying all this moisture? my fingers were little pink raisins by the end of the day, but... now that i'm showered and warm and fed and drowsy, my skin feels wonderfully hydrated and soft.

**

it's going to rain again tomorrow, but i don't mind....

it's my day off.

some things about my new job

~

Things I Like:

at my last garden centre/landscaping job there were these birds that were constantly singing about what sounded like "cheeseburger"... this made all of us hungry and longing for lunch break.

at the new job, in this new climate, there are birds that i don't know... and for the last three days i've been serenaded by a particularly persistent fellow who keeps calling me "cutie." i told him straight-up that i'm happily married and he doesn't stand a chance. but, he keeps after me... "cutie, cutie, cutie..... cutie, cutie, cutie, cutie!"

truth be told, i'm kind of flattered.

**

the koi in the ponds are enormous, and they kind of go nuts in the afternoon heat. yesterday they thought they were dolphins and were practicing their tandem leaping. some parts of the koi ponds are hung with nearly invisible criss-crossing wires. i kind of figured the owners were humouring them and their Catherine Zeta-Jones/Entrapment delusions... but, it turns out they're hung there to snare would-be theives... herons and small children, etc.

now i'm wondering if that is how the koi got so big... the owners trap unsuspecting birds/small children so the koi can practice their pirhana skills.

**

Things I Don't Like:

it's hot here... i'm the biggest wilted flower on the entire (16 acre) garden centre lot. if this is what April in Virginia is like, i'm not sure i'm going to survive July & August. good thing i'm going back to Canada for a good part of July :-)

~

isn't life just action packed?

got a job today... it won't challenge my brain or use my education in any way.
but i'll be working outside, i'll be working with plants, i'll be working this week... all good reasons to celebrate!

***

after contacting my university a few weeks ago, i finally got notice that they have approved my request to withdraw from my thesis and go on to do one more credit of course work to complete my degree. not only that, but they made my withdrawal retro-active... so not only i will not have a bad grade on my transcript, but i'll get most of the money back that i paid in tuition... which will just about cover the cost of the course i'm going to take in July.

the course i'm taking in July is a super-condensed course... 2 weeks, 9am to 4pm... and once i'm done, i'm done. degree completed.

phew!

**

spent last weekend in New York visiting old friends... it was my first trip to New York, and it was a little overwhelming. five minutes off the bus and i was struggling to control my desire to punch someone. i don't have a violent bone in my body normally, and i've never experienced "pedestrian rage"... but, turns out there is a first time for everything!

clearly, i'm not made for crowds.

spent two days walking all over Manhattan... apparently it was the first hot weekend of the year, and people were out in full force... stroller traffic jams in Central Park. had to laugh at the ladies out taking their stilletos for a stroll through the park.

really though, i was there for the time with friends... and it was great.

**

we've got a thunderstorm coming in... the air is electric.

i love it.

putting my shoes on to go out for a run.

things that brighten my Sunday morning...

~ sunlight and cool air streaming in the windows


~ not having to choose between banana pancakes or blueberry pancakes. why choose when i can make both?! every bite is a new flavour combination... this one heavy sweet... that one bright bursting tangy... this one surprisingly plain (wot?! no fruit??) yet still satisfying... finally berry and banana both, sweet-tart.

am now wondering why it is that when food doesn't come out of a box we say that it is made from scratch. why does home made food have to sound so....... itchy?


~ dorky 3d glasses, encounters with new old friends, wandering the city street in simple conversation


~ visions of fireworks bursting into the night continue to dance in my mind's eye... the small white glow of the capital building off in the distance across the water... coloured shards exploding across the dark canvas of the night sky... the rumble and crack in the air, vibrating in the chest and stirring the heart.


~ making plans to see friends from Canada and France over the coming week


~ feeling connected

focus

the loose ends of my "paying it forward" venture are all tied up. i mailed a bright card glowing with a profusion of hot pink gerbera daisies to Solaris, i brown-paper-packaged (sans strings) the scarf i had knitted and posted it to Mandy (after silencing some small murmurings of fear in my heart... what if she doesn't like it?!), and posted the recipes for all the things i would have sent to Soccer Milf if only we didn't have to worry about the border guards deciding to have themselves a tea party.

i'm kind of sad it's done now. i was delighted, however, to see my pay it forward adventures moving in both directions, forward and back... for Char left me a note to say she'd be trying one of my recipes. so perhaps i too will find myself months along the road reading blog posts for friends as yet unknown and discover that they were inspired to pay it forward by someone who received a treasure from Soccer Milf or Mandy or Solaris.

***

i feel as though i'm at the end of a lot of things, and am having a hard time finding focus.

caring for my dying mother-in-law - check.
training for and running a marathon - check.
fundraising for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society - check.
filing all appropriate and tedious immigration paperwork - check.

all of these things have come to an abrupt end, and all within a couple weeks of each other.

now what?

focus.

now i need to focus on finding a job. preferably one that is motivating and stimulating and interesting... but at this point, i would be happy with pretty much anything that starts on Monday.

focus.

i also need to focus on finishing my Master's degree, which has been needlessly hanging over me like a dark cloud rather than dangling in front of me like the enticing tidbit it should be... well it is enticing, in truth... i've just not been in the mood to be enticed by it. so i need to focus, and get it done.

focus.

i have a new running goal to work toward... Marine Corps Marathon in October. my goal this time is not simply to finish, but to cut back on my running time.


all of these goals are achievable. i just need to focus.

Paying it Forward continues... a recipe blog.

As requested (since there is the serious likelihood of baked goods being confiscated -- and incinerated, or eaten ?? -- at the border), I am posting the recipes for the baked goods I would otherwise have sent to my "pay it forward" prize winner, Soccer Milf.

~

Banana Bread

preheat oven to 350 F

Mix together:
½ cup soft butter or margarine
½ cup white sugar
½ cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1/4 cup orange juice (CRITICAL)
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup mashed ripe bananas (approximately 2 bananas, if they're of average size)

Then add:
2 cups all purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon salt

Although delicious as is... I usually also add about a cup of one or any combination of the following:
semi-sweet chocolate chips, walnuts, chopped dried apricots, golden raisins

Mix until combined, but don't over mix or you'll wind up with small heavy loaves or muffins. Pour into greased loaf or muffin tins -- makes 1 loaf or 12 muffins

Bake at 350 F until a toothpick comes out clean (muffins - approx. 25-35 mins, loaf - approx. 1 hour)

~

Best Ever Crunchy Oatmeal Cookies

Mix together:
2 cups brown sugar
½ cup margarine
½ cup lard (or full cup of marg if you don't do lard)
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
pinch salt
1 tsp baking powder
2 cup all purpose flour
2 cups rolled oats
1 ½ cups shredded coconut
½ cup sesame seeds

optional - 1 cup of any of the following: raisins, chocolate chips, dried cranberries, walnuts, etc

Roll into balls of whatever size you like, place on a cookie sheet and press flat with a fork... these cookies don't really spread much when baking so factor that in when you're deciding how big or small you want them

Note: these cookies will be soft and chewy only until they cool. After that, they will be crunchy and perfect for dipping into tea, coffee or glasses of milk.

Bake at 350 F til golden (12-15 mins)

~

Carrot Loaf
(not to be mistaken for a carrot cake, this is denser and more amenable to spreading with butter or peanut butter than with cream cheese frosting, for example... though I leave that to your discretion)

preheat oven to 350 F

Beat together:
1 ½ cups melted butter
1 3/4 cups brown sugar
4 eggs
3 tsp vanilla
zest of one lemon

Sift in:
2 cups whole wheat flour
2 cups white flour
½ tsp baking soda
3 tsp baking powder
1 tsp allspice
2 tsp cinnamon

Add:
2 ½ cups grated carrot
juice of one lemon
½ cup each of walnuts and raisins

Note: the mix will look dry and impossible until you add the carrot. Don't be tempted to add any liquids until the carrot is mixed in. Then, if it still seems too dry, add a little water. It should be a heavy and rather stiff mixture.

Turn into 2 loaf pans, buttered and sprinkled very generously with poppy seeds.

Bake for approximately 45 mins @ 350 F, until a toothpick comes out clean.

~

Nut Bars

preheat oven to 350 F

Combine until a crumbly dough forms:
3 cups all purpose flour
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup soft margarine or butter

Press dough onto a cookie sheet to form the base for your nut bars.
Bake for 10 -12 minutes, until pale gold

In a sauce pan, combine and bring to a boil:
1/2 cup corn syrup
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp water
1 cup butterscotch chips

Let boil for two minutes, then remove from heat.

Meanwhile, sprinkle 2 cups of mixed nuts (any kind you like... we're fond of cashews, brazil nuts, hazelnuts, almonds, etc ) over the baked cookie base.


Pour the butterscotch syrup over the top of the nuts (on the cookie base), trying to make sure they're fairly evenly coated.

Bake for another 10 - 12 minutes at 350 F
Cool and cut into bars.

~

So, there you have it, Soccer Milf... the instructions for making your own baked goods care package. Hope you enjoy them!

And the award goes to...

Hope you weren't planning to collect your prizes at midnight last night... I was knocked out early by an evening of collective celebration (which is also how I'm going to spend this evening.. .it's all party party party around here! We have much to celebrate, but that's another blog).

Okay, so I wrote down all the contestant names (from both blogs) on bits of paper, put them in a bowl and had my husband do the draw...

In the order that he drew them:

Soccer Milf

Solaris

Mandy

Please leave a comment or message me your prize preferences. In all cases except the scarf, multiple contestants can choose the same prize. If there are multiple requests for the scarf, it will go to whomever messages me first.

For those of you who did not win, depending on what you were pining for... send me a beseeching e-mail, bat your eyes at me, stomp your feet and say it's not fair... whatever is your style for getting what you want, give it a try. I could probably be persuaded to give you prizes too. I'm just generous like that...

As I said, I have lots to celebrate right now, and it would be even sweeter if my friends had something to celebrate right now too, even if it is just the pleasure of finding a slightly beat up loaf of banana bread in the mail one morning.

(Please note: this is just a "for example"... the baking care package may or may not include banana bread... depending on whether I can keep my husband's hands off said banana bread long enough to package it up and send it.)

Thanks for playing... I look forward to hearing which prize caught your fancy.

and this year for my birthday....

~

US Immigration has granted me permanent residency!!

(how ever did they know that was JUST what i wanted...?)

~

UPDATE:

Another early birthday present! Registration for the Marine Corps Marathon opened today (and could very well sell out today)...

My husband signed me up. What insight! What thoughtfulness! What a gem of a man!

(it's possible that i might have told him that was just what i wanted...)


Such great gifts, and it's not even my birthday yet :-)

~

oh happy day..

neither of us were looking forward to Saturday... services for the departed are always difficult, particularly when for family members... it's a long drive to NJ at the best of times, made longer by the rainy night driving conditions, and the fact that we had forgotten a few key items and had to go back for them... which put us at our destination at 4 in the morning.

my father-in-law paced about the house nervously in the morning... getting together photographs, practicing the speech he had written to honour his deceased wife... my husband put the finishing touches on the slide show he had created with all the photos i had scanned earlier in the week, and called his sister several times to see if there was anything further we could bring.

his sister was frantically rushing about her house when we got there, trying to get the last details taken care of...

then the baby woke up and needed to be fed and changed, people arrived, the house was full of a chaos of old family friends laughing and hugging and crying... the computer was hooked up to the tv and the slide show began...

and suddenly it was a party.

my mother-in-law would have loved that.

no sad speeches, no damp hankies, no "if only we'd had more time..."
just a celebration of her life, her friendships, her children... a celebration of the time we all had with her.

it was a wonderful day. too bad we wasted so much energy dreading its coming.

get your FREE prizes here!!

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! (as my friend Char would say)

I won a "pay it forward" from my friend Foxxx a little while back and have been brainstorming my “pay it forward” giftie ideas. And training for a marathon. And entertaining houseguests. And spending time with my mother-in-law before she died. And supporting my husband and his family after she died... So forgive my tardy getting to it.

Here’s the deal on "pay it forward". My friend Foxxx won a prize from our friend Char, who won one from someone else... Now I too will conduct a draw for prizes. You comment here saying you’d like to be entered into the draw. One week from today, I take all names and draw at random. You win. Simple as that.

Here's the catch....if you win, you have to agree to “pay it forward” to three other people via your own blog. Prizes can be handmade items, gift certificates for stores or online sites, donations to charities, etc.

Now, as you may know, due to my relatively recent change of countries and subsequent wait on work authorization, followed by a collapsing US economy... I'm not currently employed. So, my prize options will be modest, but heartfelt.

Each winner may choose one of the following:

~ A lovely spring-weight royal blue scarf that I just finished knitting (photos supplied by request)

~ 4 hours of volunteer service at a national (US) charity of your choice (I’m in the DC area so I would need it to be one that is accessible here)

~ A handwritten card, note, postcard or letter each month for a year (which can be sent to you, or some lonely soul that you would like to cheer up... just supply me with addresses)

~ 4 hours of yard/garden work at your home, as long as you are also in the DC area or don’t mind if it takes a few months or years for me to make it to your home for a visit.

~ A home-made baked goods “care package” (disclaimer - I cannot guarantee the freshness of said baked goods if you live on the other side of the world from me... but they will be fresh when I post them)


To enter, leave me a comment on this blog. Given that I have a rather small readership on both of my blogs, I will be posting this on both and accepting entries from both. Entries will be accepted until midnight April 3, 2009. After that, a random drawing will be held of all entries. Best of luck.

courage

~
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” e.e. cummings

I was reading my friend Denize’s recent posting in which she wrote about Wayne Dyer and e.e. cummings and how they kept on being themselves even when people told them they were doing it wrong. She talks about trying to figure out what makes her her, and how to be honest about and true to those parts of herself.

She asked herself the following questions, and made a list of answers.

“So, who am I? what are all my layers? And what is my core?”


This is my list:

I love stillness
I get irritable when I don’t get time to myself
I crave physical contact, and am always holding hands, bumping into friends when we walk together, hugging, stroking hair, sitting in laps, massaging feet...
I wish people wanted to touch me as much as I want to touch them
I like to walk alone
I prefer to run with other people
I get a thrill from the rumble of thunder and flash of lightning
I love the sound of snow underfoot
I love the sound of rain on the roof
I am both soothed and energized by the sound of waves crashing along shorelines
I love the smell of lawn and leaves and earth
I love campfires
I love the northern lights
I love light reflecting on water
I love the way kids see the tiny details and don’t care about the big picture
I like to be busy
I love good food, pretty much any type, but I’m not a great cook
I love cheese
I am in loving awe of bees and elephants and whales
I am fascinated by insects, but don’t want (most of) them to touch me
I am stubborn
I don’t like being told what to do
I wish at times that people would tell me what to do
I sometimes get anxious if things aren’t done the way I would do them
I love to scream on rollercoasters
I love to sing loudly while I drive
I love to dance til the sweat pours down my body
I feel uplifted when I am in the mountains
I love to travel
I love to come home
I like my home to be tidy
I can be very messy
I am curious
I am lazy
I am loyal
I am exuberant
I am shy
I feel small when I’m surrounded by people I don’t know
I don’t like to be the centre of attention
I wish some people paid more attention to me
I feel like I have something important to say, but I don’t know what it is
I don’t like myself sometimes
I am frequently amazed by myself, when reminded of all that I have accomplished
I am flawed
I am changing
I am hopeful
I am trusting
I am me

(for now)

~

looking into a life

when we left my father-in-law's house two weeks ago, we took with us a couple boxes of loose photographs which my husband wanted to "digitize." there were two reasons for that, one is to preserve them as they've been floating about loose in the boxes and getting banged up, and the other is so that he can use them to create a slide show of images of his mother for her up-coming funeral service.

my mother-in-law was already very ill when i met her for the first time. i have never known her to be joyful or exuberant. there have been moments when i catch a glimpse of her wry sense of humour, but they are fleeting and far between. and so, there is an enormous part of her personality that i simply did not know.

i spent the better part of the day going through those boxes... picking out pictures that show her to be funny and playful, loving with her children, a child herself... a traveler, a gardener, a mother, a student, a wife, a girl, a beautiful woman, and finally the tired and depleted woman i knew.

as i went through the photos, i asked my husband about many of them... "i never knew my mother when she was fun," he said. "i've never seen her laugh like that, or play like that"... "i don't remember that..."

i wish i had known her when she laughed so hard she almost fell over with the force of it, grasping at her friend's arm to stay upright. i wish my husband remembered her climbing trees with him and playing on the beach with him when he was small.

it makes me wonder when it was that she became the woman we knew, and why? how did that happen? did she miss her younger self, or was she content to be herself as she aged?

26.2

ran a marathon on Sunday... my first ever.

pretty proud of myself.

today i'm happy about...

~ cherry blossoms
~ my new bed
~ oatmeal with honey and walnuts
~ the knowledge that this time tomorrow morning i will be drinking coffee with my mom
~ sunshiny daffodils
~ the hug that my friend Denize drew and sent to me
~ chats with long lost friends
~ large magnolia trees that are hanging on the very edge of blooming, full of promise
~ new friends
~ reaching my fundraising goals for the marathon i'm running on Sunday
~ the beautiful card Brandi made that just slipped through my door
~


... i'm sure there will be more before the day is through

waiting

the day has passed by at a snail's pace, even though we all slept in a little... with the hush of freshly fallen snow outside, it felt nice to stay in bed and just listen to the quiet.

my sweetheart and his father went out to shovel the walkways and scrape the snow off the vehicles... bringing back into the house with them the scent of cold fresh air and snow, if only for a moment.

**

the house smells of decay... that is not entirely unusual, as we often find fruit decaying on the counters when we come to visit, stale laundry and uncleaned bathrooms. i have passed the day much as i always do when we come here. cleaning a little here, doing a little laundry there... trying not to attract too much attention or risk being asked to stop.

**

we've watched some movies and played some cards... i have played the piano for my mother-in-law several times throughout the day, whenever i am alone in the house with her.

she cannot really communicate anymore, though she moans constantly when she is awake. when she does talk she often calls out to her deceased sister... or mumbles prayers in spanish. she does not seem aware of me when i talk to her, and i don't know what more to say.

so i play for her.

**

my sweetheart is watching some Chinese zombie movie in our bedroom... the zombie moans from the tv drift into the living room to accompany the moans coming from her bedroom.

somehow that feels quite alright at the moment.

**

my love and admiration for my husband swells each time i watch him tend to his mother. he washes her and dresses her, helps the nurses to change her soiled bedclothes, soaks a small sponge in water or juice and holds it to her lips so she can moisten her mouth without choking. he is so gentle with her.

he saves his anger and frustration for his father... who is also struggling to find his way through watching his best friend and love disappear before his eyes.

each time she asks for something to drink, hope lights his eyes as if this sip would miraculously put her back on the path to good health. each time she has a moment of lucidity and speaks to him as though she knows him, he makes fresh plans for their common future -- like buying a smaller house up north so it would be easier to care for her and their rental properties -- and then he deflates when she inevitably slips back into the moaning darkness.

**

the house is heavy with decay... no amount of cleaning products or air fresheners can overcome the scent of her body failing, no amount of comforting words or deliberate conversation can lift the atmosphere of sadness and anxious anticipation, no amount of curtains being drawn to let in the sparkling winter light can bring light to heavy hearts.

**

there are moments where i feel like an impostor here. not that i am unwelcome... but that i am not a part of it. in some ways that is true. this family has operated as a complete unit for decades... i have been a part of it for only a couple of years. it is not mine... and my feelings are somehow peripheral. yet her passing will impact my life profoundly. has already impacted my life profoundly...

her illness has created new space into which my relationship with my husband has grown and deepened. for that i am grateful. but it pains me to see the toll it takes on him. i know that i too will live with the manifestations of his grief when she passes. my children will never know their father's mother... and that makes me sad. i know the idea of that makes him sad too.

the fallout of her passing will impact his relationship with his father and sister... at this point, it could just as easily fall on the side of a negative impact as a positive one... for reasons i am only beginning to understand. however their relationships may change, that will define my future relationship with both my father-in-law and sister-in-law (and her family) as well.

coming from a very close family, i cannot help but hope that this brings them closer together... that it helps them to find new ways of understanding and relating to each other. because i long for that closeness... maybe that is just selfish, but there it is.

**

the last time i was here, i lay with her on her bed to watch the inauguration of Barak Obama. she was so excited by the potential for change that he brings. it amazed and humbled me when she held my hand and talked to me about how happy she was that Francisco had met me, how she hoped we would share a long and happy life together... about how happy she was to have lived so see both her children happily married, and to have met her grand daughter.. about how she had always hoped to die in her sleep, but now she was ready to go any time.

and then, without a moment's silence to let that sink in... she commented on how cute the Obama girls were and how she wondered what kind of puppy they would finally choose when they were settled into life in the White House.

**

i am so grateful to have known her.

without wishing her any harm, and because i love her... as i listen to her moan, and look into her bedroom to see her wasted body and gaunt face, i hope that her passing comes very soon.

upping the geek quotient

so... here's a couple blogs that i have found endlessly amusing of late.

Who's More Awesome

The Geeky Chef


they entertain the geek in me...

the geek in my husband, on the other hand, is currently being entertained by Chinese zombie/vampire kung fu movies. i just can't seem to share in that passion with him, for some reason.